Cardinal stops using letters G, A and Y

BRITAIN’S biggest Catholic has confirmed he will no longer use any of the letters in the word ‘gay’.

Od will hve his revene come the d of judement

Cardinal Keith O’Brien stressed he was embarking on the phonetic moratorium because he did not want to be ‘prt of the problem’.

His spokesman said: “Luckily ‘safe words’ include Jesus, communion, crucifix and Keith O’Brien.

“However he has had to change his job to title to ‘Crdinl’.

“Also, half the word ‘Mary’ is off limits so from now on he will refer to the Holy Mother as ‘Ethel’.

“It’s not blasphemous if it’s part of a bulwark against depravity.”

The spokesman added: “Golgotha comes out as ‘Oloth’ and Calvary is just ‘Clvr’, so Easter is going to be tricky. Especially if he’s calling it ‘Ester’.”

Cardinal O’Brien said: “Mrrie between two men is bd nd wron. Nd tht’s not just me tlkin, tht’s Od.

“I’ve hd it up to here with their K-Jell, their lether pnts nd their Lori Nor records. It’s unnturl.”

He added: “Idell I’d hve stopped usin ll the letters in ‘homosexul’ but then ou would think I’m complete luntic.”