Australia ideal trading partner, say Britons happy to wait three months for stuff

AUSTRALIA is the perfect trading partner for Britain due to being on the other side of the world, UK residents agree. 

As negotiations on a new trade agreement begin, Britons are delighted to be restoring links with a country that could not be further away and manufactures nothing. 

Norman Steele of Huddersfield said: “Bugger the European Union, with its freight rail links and fleets of trucks bringing goods to us overnight. 

“When I order a new stepladder, I want to click that button and be told it will be delivered in October next year with shipping costs of around £699. 

“And as it wends its way to me by container ship, crossing at least two oceans, the anticipation will make the moment when I finally open it up and ascend all the sweeter. 

“Plus they all speak English and love the Queen, which is important to me when I buy a jumper.” 

Trade minister Greg Hands said: “In our bright post-Brexit future everything from coffee to cable ties will be sent to us from Australia, abolishing impulse buying forever and destroying capitalism.”

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New yoghurt not that creamy

A NEW type of yoghurt is being marketed on its lack of creaminess.

Flying in the face of accepted yoghurt logic, Rose Farm ‘Not That Creamy’ promises a thin, watery consistency.

A spokesman said: “It is neither creamy, not is it rich. It’s definitely not luxurious, it’s weak and runny.

“Our product is pretty much transparent and there’s not a lot of fruit in it either. Maybe the odd meagre fragment of raspberry.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “It’s a refreshing change as yoghurts are so often aggressively creamy.

“Do they have an advert where a middle-aged woman eats it on a sofa while dreaming about muscly men?

“If so I will buy it.”