Woman horrified to discover she is older than Beyonce

A WOMAN has decided to stop trying to achieve anything after discovering she is older than Beyonce.

36 year-old Helen Archer was dismayed to hear that Beyonce has just turned 35, leading her to conclude that she might as well just give up now.

Archer said: “I hadn’t really ever considered that Beyonce had an age. I thought she was sort of ageless, like the sea or a big rock.

“So when I heard she was a year younger than me, I was devastated. She’s won 20 Grammys whereas all I’ve ever won is a rosette at a gymkhana in 1986. She’s worth $450 million. My net worth is probably about £680.

“She even managed to turn her husband cheating on her into a million selling album and ground-breaking film. When my boyfriend cheated on me I threw a brick through his window and received a police caution.

“This has led me to realise that there is basically no point in me ever doing anything again for the rest of my life.

 “My sole activity will be to sit on a chair and eat cake, which is probably the only thing that I can do that she can’t.”

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International football 'complete waste of time if you think about it'

THE World Cup 2018 qualifiers have been marred by a nagging awareness that there’s absolutely no point in playing them.

The second half of Wales-Moldova ground to a halt as players began to realise the complete futility of the match, the qualifying competition and human existence.

Gareth Bale said: “It suddenly dawned on me that ultimately there was no point in completing a hat-trick against Moldova.

“When you think about it we’ve got to play Serbia and Ireland and Georgia and Austria twice and then Moldova again, then if we’re lucky we qualify for the World Cup, which we’ll be eliminated from anyway.

“Plus in the end everyone you’ve ever known will die.”

England’s opening qualifier against Slovakia was delayed by 15 minutes due to malaise and during the second half Wayne Rooney openly started painting a water-colour of a monastery while sat on the halfway line.

Rooney said: “Around an hour in after our 15th unsuccessful cross, it occurred to me that I’d come to Trnava, a charming Slovak city with strong Gothic influences, and all I was doing was belting a ball around aimlessly.

“So I guess the three points were put into perspective by the sudden awareness of the narrow focus my life has taken and the essential impermanence of everything I’ve ever achieved.”