Be a good little country and try some Brexit, May tells Scotland

THERESA May has told Scotland that if they just gave the Brexit a proper try they would absolutely love it.

The prime minister said that she understands perfectly that Scotland is afraid to try new things, but they should be brave and give it a little go.

She added: “How do they know they won’t like the Brexit?

“I might have expected this of Wales, they’ve always been faddy, but for that little country to sit there, lips pursed, refusing to even have a tiny bit of the Brexit is ridiculous.

“Instead have a taste of the Brexit I’m preparing, which I promise will be absolutely delicious, and if you still don’t like it you then can have your little referendum.”

May added: “Shall I pretend that the Brexit is an aeroplane coming into land?

“Mmmmmm, lovely Brexit.”

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Middle class children exposed to dangerous levels of sourdough

MIDDLE class children are in danger of regarding sourdough bread as normal, experts have warned.

The rise of fermented yeast has surpassed predictions, stoking fears that the next generation of middle class people will end up living in a no man’s land of over-priced artisan nonsense.

Yeast researcher Eleanor Shaw said: “Yesterday I was in a cafe and a child of four requested a smashed avocado sourdough toastie.

“These Noahs and Evas will never know the simple pleasure of chomping down on a Kingsmill sliced loaf, let alone a jam sandwich on Mighty White.”

Campaigners are now calling for fancy-pants bakeries to be subject to strict regulations, warning that a generation of middle class children could develop lifelong attitude problems.

Shaw added: “Some of these sourdough loaves cost up to £4.50. Who wants to raise their child in a world where bread is the preserve of the smug, overpaid tosspot?”