Brown woos Scots with thrilling timetable

GORDON Brown has pledged to save Britain with an exciting timetable of parliamentary debates.

The former prime minister said that if Scots voted ‘no’ then politicians at Westminster would have a debate about something in November.

There would be at least one more debate after that and then the politicians at Westminster would vote about something in January, or February at the latest.

Speaking to some working class Scottish people, Brown added: “I personally guarantee that these debates will include the words ‘Scotland’ and ‘possibly’.”

Bill McKay, an Edinburgh man who pollsters have identified as the person who will decide the referendum, said: “Christ almighty, that’s a nice timetable.

“If it had been March I would have walked up to Gordon Brown and told him to ‘fuck right off’. But January, well that’s a bit special.”

He added: “I now feel myself wobbling towards ‘no’. But that could change because I haven’t really been listening.”

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Prince George urged to abdicate

BRITAIN has told Prince George to make way for a fresh face who can revitalise the monarchy.

The 13 month-old has been dismissed as old-fashioned and out-of-touch by a public who want his sibling foetus to take the throne.

Julian Cook, from Maidenhead, said: “I was excited about Prince George back in 2013, but his time has passed.

“He’s more than a year old now and we’ve heard enough of his stale, Victorian pronouncements of ‘Mama’ and ‘Dada’.

“A 21st-century monarchy needs a figure who can re-invent the institution, not an old bore who hasn’t been relevant since the last official photograph.”

On learning that Prince Charles is still next in line to the throne, Royal watchers said they were pretty sure he died years ago.