Internet awash with rumours of England game

FOOTBALL fan sites are awash with rumours that England might be playing a match this evening. 

The word-of-mouth buzz follows England’s recent invite-only friendly against an unnamed Nordic country, already the football equivalent of The Sex Pistols’ gig at the Free Trade Hall.

The game will be held at a smaller, cooler venue like Cambridge United’s Abbey Stadium where fans will be able to enjoy a close-up and intimate performance by the team.

Manager Roy Hodgson said: “If there were a game, perhaps against a cult side like the Swiss, then we wouldn’t just be doing the big crowd-pleasing stadium stuff like grinding out a one-nil.

“It’d be deep cuts that we’ve not done for years, like passing the ball accurately, scoring from free-kicks and properly defending corners.

“But we’re not playing, and certainly not under the false name Avalon Athletic.”

England fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve got my pots of red and white face paint in my pocket just in case and am maintaining an obnoxious level of drunkenness.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

NATO to arm ISIL to fight ISIS

NATO has agreed to provide arms to radical Islamic group ISIL in the hope they can halt the spread of ISIS.

The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant are acknowledged fundamentalists but are thought to be the only hope of shaking the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria’s hold on the territory.

NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen, better known for his nine years at Blackburn Rovers, said: “People say that ISIL are murderous maniacs, but down that way who isn’t?

“We were considering backing Syria’s President Assad, who you may recall we all wanted to bomb this time last year, against ISIS but then this new group ISIL came along and they seemed as good as anyone.”

Middle Eastern experts claiming the two groups are actually the same have been reminded that they said the same about backing Al-Qaeda to get rid of al-Qa’ida and that worked out okay.