New app makes it easy to discover shit music

AN app has been launched that will make it easier to discover brand new, terrible music.

There’s a shit-party in her head

Experts say TingTones could overtake more traditional sources of shit music, such as X-Factor, student club nights, and supermarket radio.

Tom Logan, CEO of TingTones, said: “Our research found that everyone, regardless of age, gender, ethnic background or social class, listens to shit.

“With TingTones, you just tell it what shit you already like, and it plays you something just as shit that you won’t have heard before.

“You can have fresh shit streaming straight into your ears wherever you are. It doesn’t matter whether you’re into shit boybands, shit R’n’B, shit indie, or even the shit your parents listened to.”

Emma Bradford, from Gloucester, said: “When I was younger, I enjoyed forcing myself to dance to Jamie T and the Klaxons. I thought those days were gone, but thanks to TingTones I’ve been discovering The Wanted and Sam Smith, who are even shitter.”

“There’s an ocean of shit out there, and I can’t wait to dive in.”

Logan said he was already drawing up plans for a dating app that matches total arseholes.


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Salmond still not sure what he means by ‘independence’

SNP leader Alex Salmond has admitted he has never been entirely sure what he means when he says ‘independence’.

Scotland’s first minister revealed he has always thought of independence as a ‘play within a play… within a dream’.

He said: “Well, it’s a concept, it’s an idea, it’s a thing.

“In my mind I see it as a tree in the shape of Scotland. Does that make sense?”

Salmond said the idea of independence involving things like a currency and a central bank, was ‘very left brain’, adding: “How would you even do that?”

He said: “I think once independence is here I’ll have a much better idea of what it is.

“Any other questions?”