Police vow to stop Jack the Ripper before he kills again

POLICE are closing in on notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper.

The Metropolitan Police believe it can close the case within the next couple of years and move on to its substantial backlog.

Chief Constable Martin Bishop said: “Some of our leads went a little cold when eyewitnesses, their children and their children’s children died, but thanks to the invention of fingerprinting, DNA evidence and racial profiling the net is closing.

“The main thing is to make sure that the Ripper doesn’t strike again. He’s been quiet for the last 120 years or so but that could be his MO.”

The investigation has so far interrogated 180,000 suspects, 140,000 of them black, 20,000 Polish, two Frenchman and the Duke of Clarence.


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Scotland having some sort of referendum, apparently

SCOTLAND plans to have some kind of referendum that could take place as early as next week.

It is understood the referendum is about politics and has been pencilled in for a week on Thursday, or possibly the Thursday after that.

Bill McKay, a Scottish person, said: “Yeah, we’ve all been talking about the politics referendum for, let me think now…

“Three and a half years.”

English politicians said that if the referendum actually happens, it will no doubt involve Scottish people either wanting or not wanting something or other.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “We’re going to offer them Barbara Windsor.”