Illegal immigrants disguised themselves as 200 Lambert & Butler

A SURREY woman was shocked to find cigarettes she bought in France were actually illegal immigrants.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford only discovered the deception when she lit one of the king-size cigarettes and it began screaming and beating out its burning hair.

It then leapt from her mouth and ran away, closely followed by the rest of the carton of 200 who had fooled customs by painting most of their bodies white and leaving their ankles brown.

An HM Customs spokesman said: “Attempts to get to Britain are becoming increasingly sophisticated, with immigrants disguising themselves as cigarettes, beer and snowstorms of the Eiffel Tower.

“One woman recently discovered her Hermes scarf, bought in Calais and which she’d been wearing for 18 months, was actually a 27-year-old Estonian man who went limp whenever she picked him up.”

Politicians have reassured the public that the immigrants, despite their courage, effort and ingenuity, only want to claim free benefits and be lazy.


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Al-Qaeda’s Indian branch to offer key-cutting

AL-QAEDA has opened a branch in India offering jihad, anti-western diatribes and two keys for a pound.

The terror organisation has included key-cutting and minor shoe repairs in the face of competition from start-up maniacs, the Islamic State.

Leader Ayman Al-Zawahiri said: “Islamic State is very sexy, it’s very now, but is it practical? By offering handy, everyday services like keys we are adding value to our jihad.

“Imagine if Timpson’s was waging an endless war against decadent western values. They would be indispensable.”

He added: “I don’t know about dry cleaning. Maybe. Let’s just see if the key thing works.”