Coffee table books show exactly the kind of people couple pretend to be

AN ASSORTMENT of large, shiny books has given guests a perfect insight into their hosts’ fictional lifestyle.

Old books also look cool, like somebody’s read them

The guests were given a superbly inaccurate impression of Stephen and Emma Malley by the carefully choreographed hardcover volumes on the coffee table.

Martin Bishop said: “It was great to see what kind of books Stephen and Emma want us to know they own.

“Each pristine, unopened book demonstrated a passion that none of us knew they would like to have, ranging from fashion photography to Middle Eastern cuisine.

“After I flicked through Banksy’s Wall and Piece, Stephen and I had a halting, error-strewn conversation about anti-establishment guerrilla art which concluded with us both believing we’d be cooler if we liked it.

“Emma told me Journeys of a Lifetime: 500 of the World’s Greatest Trips took pride of place because it brought back so many memories of places she’d love people to assume she’d visited.”

On a visit to the bathroom, Bishop noticed that the books at the couple’s bedside were Angels of Atlantis: Twelve Mighty Forces to Transform Your Life Forever and The Marvel Comics Encyclopedia 2014.


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Quick drink after work now means seven

GOING for ‘a drink’ after work means going for seven drinks, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that workplace stress and the deliciousness of alcohol means a ‘quick drink’ now takes hours because of all the drinking.

Personal assistant Nikki Hollis said: “If I say I’m going for a couple then going home, I actually mean that within three hours I’ll be pissing in an alley while screaming Katy Perry’s Roar.

“And please do sublet my flat for the next month because I won’t be able to find it.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, added: “Once I’ve had a quick drink, I’m going to eat two pizzas and then busy myself with a young lady who has also had no more than a couple.

“Wednesdays. Splendid.”