But Putin has such an honest face, says everyone

VLADIMIR Putin has such kind eyes that it is impossible to imagine him doing anything unpleasant, according to the public.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “You shouldn’t judge people by their looks, but my instincts tell me that Putin is a good egg.

“His small gleaming eyes, set so close together that he’s almost a cyclops, positively radiate kindness.

“It’s hard to imagine him behaving in a ruthless or self-serving manner, or perhaps whispering ‘kill them’ into the ear of a thick-set henchman. He’s just got a good vibe.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I just think of him as ‘Uncle Vladi’. He seems like a nice, laid back guy who would have a pocketful of sweets for the kiddies and put all his hard-earned money in a building society ISA paying a solid 1.75 per cent interest rate.”

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Mark Lawrenson starts saying ‘Waazzzuuppp’

BBC football pundit Mark Lawrenson has discovered the world of late 20th Century catchphrases.

Lawrenson, who around 2001 started using the word ‘not’ at the end of sentences for deadpan, ironic effect, decided the time was right for an even more futuristic gambit.

After toying with phrases such as ‘It’s Hammer time’ and ‘No no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there’s no limits’, he settled on ‘Waazzzuppp’ after he spotted it on in the adverts on a VHS movie hired from his local cornershop.

Lawrenson said: “The great thing about this phrase, and I’m amazed no one has picked up on it, is that it has multiple applications.

“You could say, ‘Waazzzuuppp? Wayne Rooney’s chances of being selected for England are in the balance what with younger guns like Jamie Vardy coming through’.

“Or you could say, ‘Waazzzuuppp?’ for no reason whatsoever and leave it hanging in the air in the hope that your co-commentator would chuckle appreciatively and give you a high five.”

He added: “I’m prepared to move with the times. What I’m not prepared to do is part my hair at the sides rather than the centre.  I am not Simon Le Bon.”