DECIPHERING Donald Trump’s stream of consciousness ramblings is increasingly difficult. Can you work out what these statements are actually referring to?
‘People are flushing toilets ten times, 15 times’
Answer: Water pressure. Trump has invented the idea that overregulation is leading to low water pressure in the US. It’s not true, and not how toilets work, but at least America isn’t suffering an epidemic of giant unflushable turds or abnormally buoyant floaters.
‘They used copper wire going into glass wire… you can’t hook copper into glass’
Answer: Fibre optics. Trump claimed that when the Democrats upgraded air traffic control systems they connected electric cables to fibre optic ones. Most people know that fibre optic cables use pulses of light, especially f**king cable installers, so this is a lie. Sneering at the stupidity of people you’ve made up does frankly make you the bigger dick.
‘You look at Pakistan and Iran’
Answer: The Pakistan-India conflict. Pakistan vs Iran, Trump claimed, was yet another conflict he had ended. It’s a triumph of diplomacy marred only by the two countries never having been at war, and Donnie having some sort of egotistical mush where his brain should be.
‘We’re going to get, in some cases, a 1,000 per cent reduction’
Answer: Drug prices. Many have pointed out that Trump’s fantasy maths would mean drug companies pay you for taking their drugs. The media never directly challenges these impossible percentages, and what happens when pharmacists have to start delivering the savings? Will a $2.20 pack of Ibuprofen earn you $19.80 in cash? Developing a serious long-term illness will be like winning the lottery.
‘Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted, or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted?’
Answer: Large batteries. It seems Trump’s dislike of electric vehicles somehow made him imagine having to choose between remaining on a sinking electric boat and being electrocuted, or jumping into the sea and being eaten by a shark. He wisely chose electrocution, so at least hypothetical battery/shark death scenarios are a decision the American public can trust him to get right.
‘An ugly ship is not necessary’
Answer: Stealth technology. Trump hates ‘ugly’ stealth warships and planes. The obvious problem is, if you want a stealth vehicle, it’s got to be angular or it won’t work. It’s unlikely that a man who doesn’t know how to use capital letters is going to square this technological circle.
‘They’re all made out of beautiful paper, nice stiff expensive paper. They come from very expensive printing machines’
Answer: Protestors’ placards. The signs made by anti-ICE protestors were of such good quality they had to be paid agitators bankrolled by George Soros. Really. Trump seems not to realise it’s no longer the 1960s and you can design a professional-looking sign on your computer and get a bunch printed off fairly cheaply. At least he wasn’t referring to his shitty Bibles again.
