Castro To Spend More Time Persecuting Gays

CUBA’S ailing leader Fidel Castro is to retire from dictating so he can spend more time playing golf and persecuting gays, his aides confirmed last night.

Castro, a long-time advocate of the state oppression of homosexuals, will devote the remainder of his life to educating the world of the dangers posed by flouncing.

He is to set up the Fidel Castro Foundation for the Persecution of Homosexuals to further the argument that  it all started going wrong for the West when they allowed the gays to get above themselves.

Tom Logan, a communist of Bow, East London, said that many admirers of Castro forgot his major contribution to criminalising gay sex acts.

He said: “His economic reforms have made Cuba into one of the top sex tourism destinations in the world, but you won’t find many benders, not unless they are behind bars.”

Castro is also planning a lucrative worldwide lecture tour on the evils of homosexuality, taking in the southern United States, Saudi Arabia and Hampshire.

He will also spend more time building model amphibious landing craft and recreating the repulsion of the US-funded Bay of Pigs invasion in miniature.

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BBC Unveils Line-Up For Billiepipermas

THE BBC has unveiled the spectacular line-up for what promises to be the best Billiepipermas ever.

The corporation has spent more than £20 million to ensure that viewers are treated to a delectable Billiepipermas banquet of delights.

Director general Mark Thompson said: "Billiepipermas is a time for family and we wanted this year's schedule to reflect the true meaning of Billie.

"Whether you watch BBC1 or BBC2, by the end of Billiepipermas you'll be stuffed full of great entertainment and food.

"From everyone at the BBC, have a happy Billiepipermas and a Billiepiper New Year!" 

Those Billiepipermas schedules in full…

8am: A Billiepipermas Breakfast –  Dermot Murnaghan starts talking to Billie Piper the second she wakes up.

10.30am: Secret Diary of a Call Girl: The Cartoon

12 noon: Billie Piper's Billiepipermas Lunch Makeover – Live! Gordon Ramsay cooks a delicious four-course lunch while Trinny and Susannah dress Billie like an elf.

3pm: The Queen – Her Majesty talks about what a great year it's been for Billie Piper.

3.10pm: E.T.

5.20pm: Dr Who: Queer Eye for the Cybermen – David Tennant must choose between Catherine Tate, Kylie Minogue and a feisty young girl named Rose…

7pm: Back to the Future III

9pm: The Mystery of the Low Cut Dress – Billie Piper stars as Sally Lockhart in a tale of intrigue and thighs.

9am – 4pm: International Darts

4pm: The Alternative Billiepipermas Message from Katie Melua

4.15pm: Heston Blumenthal's Food Made of Clocks

6.30pm: Top Gear Blows Up a Cow – A Billiepipermas special starring Jeremy, James, Richard and a soon-to-be-deceased three year-old Fresian.

7.30pm: It's a Wonderful Pie – The rarely watched sequel starring James Stewart as George Bailey and Mickey Rooney as Gary the Pie.

9pm: Mon Chien Est Mon Épouse – A quirky French film about a postman who marries a dog.