Chinese to peek at your email before buying everything and making you their slave

CHINA’S plans for world domination now include the relentless purchase of all physical assets, your total, crushing enslavement and having a sneaky peek at your email account.

Google claims China has been attempting to hack into millions of Gmail accounts in what experts have described as an intriguing addition to their strategy of taking over the planet through money and invincible force.

A Google spokesman said: “We think they may have been trying to access the emails of US government officials, either to find out secrets or, more likely, to amuse themselves with America’s lack of unremitting focus on making all humans kneel before the might of their superior culture.

“Then again, hacking into computers does seem rather pointless when all they are going to do in the long run is crush those computers into a million tiny pieces and then make you eat the pieces as a punishment for not waving joyfully at a column of tanks.”

Martin Bishop, professor of Isn’t China Brilliant at Reading University, said: “Perhaps they are using the email intelligence to work out your total net worth or how docile you will be once they have placed the iron collar of total victory around your soft, white neck.

“Or perhaps peeking at decadent western emails will be light entertainment for the massed ranks of the People’s Liberation Army after a long day of practicing how to shove their rifle butts into your insubordinate stomach.”

He added: “And while Americans exchange trivial emails about the stars of the Twilight saga, the Chinese are busy designing the enclosure in which Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will be kept when they form the centrepiece of the Glorious Stars of the Twilight Saga Zoo.”

Meanwhile, China has denied all accusations of computer hacking in a message to 14 million Gmail users whose addresses they successfully guessed at during an extraordinarily long lucky streak, probably because it is the Year of the Rabbit.



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Olympic ticket applicants receive first set of clues

OLYMPICS ticket applicants have been posted an elliptic set of messages that will eventually reveal what sport they will be watching.

As entirely random amounts of money were taken from bank accounts, the person behind the clues for Ted Rogers’ 3-2-1 was brought out of retirement, along with an army of cryptic crossword compilers, to write the receipts.

Baffled Carlisle purchaser, Wayne Hayes, said: “I got a slip confirming I’d paid £385 and a scroll of parchment saying ‘What walks on the earth but cannot see sky? Its eyes number 20, but has just six thighs’.

“There was also a train ticket to Knutsford and a false moustache.

“Am I going to the rowing, the opening ceremony or the official firing of Seb Coe? For all I know I may even be competing in the bloody thing.”

The next stage will be a series of adverts directed by David Lynch and Darren Aronofsky featuring dream sequences and mathematical equations that will, according to organisers, ‘spark image clouds in the collective unconsciousness of the public which will gradually reveal to them whether they managed to get to see any athletics or not’.

The ticket lottery method is being adopted by other companies including Ryanair, whose chief executive Michael O’Leary was drawn to the arbitrary and completely unfair aspects of the process.

A spokesman said: “From next April a customer who wants to go to Alicante could find they have actually bought 200kg of freight space in a flight to Uzbekistan.”

But the process was criticised by Olympologist, Tom Logan, who said: “In China everybody knew seven years in advance what event they’d be going to see and how many times they would be required to clap their hands together.

“The only thing we’ve got right is telling Boris Johnson to piss up a rope.”