THE people of Crimea are hoping Vladimir Putin is happy with their overwhelming love for Russia.
Almost 97 per cent voted in favour of joining the Russian Federation, well short of the 120 per cent that President Putin generally expects in these situations.
Crimea’s pro-Russian leader, Sergei Aksyonov, said: “I’m dreading the phone call. He won’t even say ‘hi, how are you?’ it’ll just be, ‘so, what about the other three per cent, dipshit?’.
“I swear to god, I thought we had everyone on board, at least once. But it’s fine, I’ll just pretend to be dead.”
A Russian government spokesman said: “We welcome the qualified approval of Crimea to become the world’s largest naval base. It’s just a shame that some people are never happy. Oh well.”
Meanwhile, the crisis threatens to confuse westerners even more, with many suggesting that lots of Russian-speaking people choosing to become part of Russia does not seem like a particularly good reason for a nuclear war.