Crimeans hoping Putin okay with 97 per cent

THE people of Crimea are hoping Vladimir Putin is happy with their overwhelming love for Russia.

Almost 97 per cent voted in favour of joining the Russian Federation, well short of the 120 per cent that President Putin generally expects in these situations.

Crimea’s pro-Russian leader, Sergei Aksyonov, said: “I’m dreading the phone call. He won’t even say ‘hi, how are you?’ it’ll just be, ‘so, what about the other three per cent, dipshit?’.

“I swear to god, I thought we had everyone on board, at least once. But it’s fine, I’ll just pretend to be dead.”

A Russian government spokesman said: “We welcome the qualified approval of Crimea to become the world’s largest naval base. It’s just a shame that some people are never happy. Oh well.”

Meanwhile, the crisis threatens to confuse westerners even more, with many suggesting that lots of Russian-speaking people choosing to become part of Russia does not seem like a particularly good reason for a nuclear war.


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40p taxpayers to get Pippa Middleton wedding invite

ASPIRATIONAL 40p-rate taxpayers can come to Pippa Middleton’s wedding, George Osborne has announced.

After claiming that people like paying more tax because it makes them feel all posh, the chancellor confirmed that all middle-class people on the top rate could go to Pippa Middleton’s wedding.

Osborne said: “Pippa’s probably getting married this year and when she does anyone earning over £40k with no previous convictions can go.

“At least to the disco bit, not the service obviously that’s for proper people.

“It does not get more aspirational than that.”

Sociologist Nikki Hollis said: “Pippa is the spiritual figurehead of the anxious petty bourgeoisie, much as White Dee is to people on the dole.

“The government hopes this flimsy opportunity for social climbing and canape theft will quell the middle-management cadre’s ‘squeezed’ whining.

“Which it will, they’ll fucking love it.”