Commonwealth baton runners draw straws on the Glasgow bit

THE Commonwealth Games baton carriers have demanded a fair way of deciding who has to take it through the east end of Glasgow.

The baton will spend the next four months moving ever closer, and with a deepening sense of dread, to the host city.

Tom Logan, who had hoped to run with it somewhere nice like Bath, said: “We need to draw straws or have some kind of nightmarish lottery where the prize is getting hoofed in the groin and then robbed by a lunatic.

“The baton is a hefty cudgel, so that should buy me about 20 seconds while I desperately try to explain that I am neither Catholic nor Protestant.”

A Commonwealth Games spokesman said: “Don’t look directly at them.”


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Irish banned from St Patrick's Day

THE Irish have been barred from St Patrick’s Day celebrations worldwide because they get carried away and ruin it.

Anyone holding an Irish passport or with recent Irish ancestry has been asked to stay home, stay off the Guinness and to stop harshing everyone’s buzz with potato famine stories.

Tom Logan, manager of O’Seamus’s Shamrock Shack in North London, said: “My customers want a couple of pints of the black stuff with wonky shamrocks in the froth before switching to something drinkable.

“Then we stick the Pogues on the jukebox and have a bit of the so-called ‘craic’.

“The last thing we need is some Irishman getting all political and doing that angry shouting voice from the 1970s news.”

Eleanor Shaw, owner of the Paddyshack theme bar in America, said: “St Patrick’s Day is about having a manufactured reason to party, which is a perfect fit with that bullshit story about the snakes.

“That means we have to exclude the genuine Irish who get all weepy, compare my bar staff to the Black-and-Tans and then start bringing religion into it, of all things.

“This day isn’t ‘about’ anything except consumerism, it’s like Christmas but with drink instead of presents.”