Danny Dyer going over there to sort this shit out

THESPIAN Danny Dyer has confirmed he is going to the United States to have a word. 

The Human Traffic star will board a plane to Washington DC today with the intention of getting everyone in a room and sorting these muppets out.

Straight-talking Dyer said: “If you’re boshing people for exercising their right to protest then give ya nut a wobble, you melt. 

“And if you’re smashing up family-owned businesses then you need to have a word with yourself. 

“I’m not worried there’s a massive ruck going on because I’ve spent a lot of time with proper hard geezers. Also I do a lot of personal appearances at nightclubs in Essex.”

Dyer believes he has “the minerals” to solve the biggest social crisis in America’s recent history, citing his role as the conciliatory hooligan Tommy Johnson in The Football Factory as proof he can bring people together.

He added: “Granted, there’s more slags on one side than the other. But it’s still my job to bang their heads together and say ‘leave it aaaht’. See you in a few days when it’s all sorted.”

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Leaving shopping bags unpacked for three days and other things you no longer bother doing

AS lockdown eases it was clearly no biggie and there’s every reason for complacency. Here are some things everyone has stopped doing now COVID-19 has been sent packing.

The whole not taking shopping out of bags thing

God knows what that was about but someone on the internet said we should do it. Now if a bit of ice cream melts onto your bag on the way back from Sainsbury’s, you can just lick it off safely. 

Staying ‘one Richard Osman’ away from other people

We did it for about 10 days before ignoring it, which is probably more than enough. Now it’s more like half an Alexander Armstrong, right? 

Washing your hands for 20 seconds

This is so long ago it feels as ancient as video cassettes. We did it and it didn’t make any difference, probably. Best to forget about it and return to a five-second rinse after going to the shops again. Or just a quick hand-rub on your trousers.

Diligently following daily government advice

There’s at last been some clear guidance from Dominic Cummings – abide by the rules until they inconvenience you in some way. Also the daily briefings are boring with Hancock and Whitty doing them all the time. How about some celebs to jazz it up? Vernon Kay or the Loose Women. 

Moaning at young people for not observing social distancing

Actually, no, let’s keep doing this if they’re riding their bikes in big groups of three. It’s a great new hobby for whingers and not like going to the garden centre, which completely safe.