Monday, 28th September 2020

Danny Dyer going over there to sort this shit out

THESPIAN Danny Dyer has confirmed he is going to the United States to have a word. 

The Human Traffic star will board a plane to Washington DC today with the intention of getting everyone in a room and sorting these muppets out.

Straight-talking Dyer said: “If you’re boshing people for exercising their right to protest then give ya nut a wobble, you melt. 

“And if you’re smashing up family-owned businesses then you need to have a word with yourself. 

“I’m not worried there’s a massive ruck going on because I’ve spent a lot of time with proper hard geezers. Also I do a lot of personal appearances at nightclubs in Essex.”

Dyer believes he has “the minerals” to solve the biggest social crisis in America’s recent history, citing his role as the conciliatory hooligan Tommy Johnson in The Football Factory as proof he can bring people together.

He added: “Granted, there’s more slags on one side than the other. But it’s still my job to bang their heads together and say ‘leave it aaaht’. See you in a few days when it’s all sorted.”