Sex outside isn't illegal so fill your boots, says Hancock

OUTDOOR romps are not prohibited by the government’s sex ban so go for it, the health secretary has said.

Britons desperate to start having sex again were thrown a bone by Matt Hancock as he revealed that sordid outdoor hookups are technically fine.

Hancock said: “If you read the rules carefully you’ll notice we’ve only banned indoor gatherings between people from different households. Apart from that the world’s your sexy oyster.

“Behind a bush is the perfect place for frisky couples to start exploring the great outdoors. And because we allow unlimited exercise you can now hump your partner in a hedgerow to your heart’s content.

“More adventurous shaggers could grab some afternoon delight up against a bus shelter, under a bridge, or in a skip. If you’re careful not to get run over even a median strip can become a love nest.

“Not only is it completely legal, it’s completely sexy.”

Winking to the assembled press, he added “Just make sure you give her one for me, right lads?”, like the embarrassing tosser he is.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Family love visiting tranquil countryside and f**king it up with litter

A FAMILY who went on a spring trip to beautiful countryside loved it so much they couldn’t be f**ked to take their litter home.

Martin and Carole Bishop decided to make the sunshine and flowers being eased by taking a picnic to the Sussex Downs and leaving most of it discarded on the grass.

He said: “We’ve been thirsting to spend time appreciating nature after being cooped up indoors all winter, but once we’d appreciated it we couldn’t be arsed to take our disposable barbecue home with us.

“It was really hot and covered in melted cheese and burnt fat, so we just chucked it in a hedge along with several plastic bottles and a punctured inflatable armchair.

“The countryside gets cleaned up, doesn’t it? I think that’s what I pay my council tax for. Or maybe that’s what farmers are for. One of the two.

“We also left eight beer bottles, all our fag ends, and a fair amount of urine. Which is fine because it’s good for the plants or whatever.

“Anyway, we had a lovely day and that’s all we give a f**k about.”