Friday, 30th October 2020

Sex outside isn't illegal so fill your boots, says Hancock

OUTDOOR romps are not prohibited by the government’s sex ban so go for it, the health secretary has said.

Britons desperate to start having sex again were thrown a bone by Matt Hancock as he revealed that sordid outdoor hookups are technically fine.

Hancock said: “If you read the rules carefully you’ll notice we’ve only banned indoor gatherings between people from different households. Apart from that the world’s your sexy oyster.

“Behind a bush is the perfect place for frisky couples to start exploring the great outdoors. And because we allow unlimited exercise you can now hump your partner in a hedgerow to your heart’s content.

“More adventurous shaggers could grab some afternoon delight up against a bus shelter, under a bridge, or in a skip. If you’re careful not to get run over even a median strip can become a love nest.

“Not only is it completely legal, it’s completely sexy.”

Winking to the assembled press, he added “Just make sure you give her one for me, right lads?”, like the embarrassing tosser he is.