Starmer outrages Britain with sickeningly partisan suggestion that things aren't going brilliantly

LABOUR leader Keir Starmer has alienated ordinary Britons with a vicious and destablising attack on the government which is only doing its best. 

Revolted voters could only watch in horror as the elitist ignored the public mood to unleash a unjustifiable assault on so-called government mismanagement, sickening them to the core.

Nathan Muir of Winchester said: “How could he do this? And how could he be so wrong?

“Day after day, ministers reassure us that we’re beating the world in tackling this thing, that we’re doing so well that we can ignore the science, and that numbers are meaningless so we don’t need to know them.

“Then Starmer crashes in with these lunatic allegations that the government ‘isn’t doing very well’ and ‘responsibility falls squarely at the door of No 10.’ Why?

“He accused Boris Johnson of ‘winging it’. Boris! Winging it! The very idea!

“This is a time for national unity. Shame on you, Mr Starmer. Next time, instead of talking, why not simply cheer?”

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'Hooray, sport is back soon!' say the worst kind of people

A LOAD of absolute knobheads are delighted that sport is back on shortly, as if it mattered. 

Fans of football, cricket, and all the other nonsense have confirmed that they are counting the days until the distraction that gives the illusion of meaning to their empty lives returns.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said their research found that the most despicable, unlikeable people in society truly believe that finding out if Leeds get promoted is something the nation needs right now.

Brubaker continued: “The correlation between speculating about whether county cricket will be ‘the same’ and being completely the worst is undeniable.

“We also found a direct link between being an arsehole and welling up at the Sky sports advert about sport returning in June.

“The one type of person the study made an exception for is sons in strained relationships with their fathers desperate for something to talk about. It’s been tough for them, branching out into discussion about politics, hobbies, and worst of all, women.

“But otherwise if you’re dreaming about being in a pub, watching a telly, your emotional state entirely dependent on a ball going in or through something, you fall somewhere on the dickhead spectrum.”