David Davis reckons he might do Israel-Palestine next

DAVID Davis is so impressed with his own negotiating skills that he is considering a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine next. 

The Brexit minister, who has successfully engineered a historic compromise between what the EU wanted and one thing Britain wanted, believes that he could settle the 70-year conflict in an afternoon.

He said: “I doubt I’d even need to say anything. Just my very presence brings accord.

“That’s what happened with the whole Brexit thing; I’d sit there, smiling and repeating a few simple phrases I’d learned, Michel Barnier would keep saying the same thing and eventually I’d agree.

“I just seem to be an absolute natural at it without even trying, so I’m confident that negotiations between nuclear-armed religious paranoids and the neighbours they war with who hate them will be a piece of cake.

“After that there’s always North Korea and South Korea, India and Pakistan, lions and gazelles and, if I fancy nipping home for a breather, Liverpool and United.

“When you’ve got skills like these, it’s selfish not to share them. My gift belongs to all mankind.”