Dolphin pimps having another great year

FLORIDA’S dolphin-pimping businesses are enjoying a record-breaking summer.

The pimps, who hang around the waterfront offering tourists the deep meaningful experience of a lifetime, say they are just meeting a demand.

Dolphin ‘manager’ Tom Logan of Orlando said: “You come on holiday, you like the sun, you like the beach, but still you are looking for something aquatic on the side.

“We provide service for lots of British clients wanting, you know, some serenity.

“Me and my boat get you up close to some real friendly bottlenoses, you know what I’m saying. Real friendly.”

Swimming with dolphins is an unique spiritual experience for humans and a shameful one for dolphins addicted to easy fish.

Mary Fisher of Croydon said: “If you’d seen the way they swam alongside the boat, beckoning with their powerful flukes, you’d know the dolphins wanted it as much as I did.

“They were so slick, so smooth, so sensual. So what if I paid for it?”

Dolphin Stephen Malley said: “I click, I squeal, I rub up against them with a grin all over my face.

“Touching my blowhole is extra.”

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Chupa Chup impossible to unwrap

A CHUPA Chups lolly has defeated all attempts to remove its plastic wrapping.

The apple-flavoured sweet is currently being held in laboratory conditions as experts work to remove the wrapper, which is effectively fused to its stick.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s impossible to unwrap manually, and the plastic is so tight that scissors are not an option.

“Other bladed instruments and lasers simply glance off the granite-hard boiled exterior of the Chup.

“Indeed we lost a technician last night when a weapons-grade laser beam reflected off the Chupa Chup and went straight through his torso.

“Possibly we could put it in a particle accelerator in the hope that the lolly atoms would somehow be displaced to the outside of the wrapper.

“You have to wonder what Chupa Chups were thinking when they designed these things.”

However Professor Brubaker added: “Chupa Chups are fascinating.

“They have built a successful brand on something that is both impossible to get into and very difficult to pronounce.

“Personally I say it ‘Choo-pa Choop’ but I’ve heard lots of variations from a short ‘u’ sound to a yeti-like double growl.”