Americans 'must be kept away from football'

THE international community is working to stop America getting into football and beating everyone.

After the World Cup caused stirrings of enthusiasm for ‘soccer’, FIFA officials told the US that football hates God and that all the players have gay sex with each other.

A FIFA spokesman said: “America is a huge, rich and ethnically diverse county. If they decide to get serious about football the rest of us are fucked.

“Imagine, a mix of Latin American, European and African footballers all on the same well-funded team? Every other nation would be crushed like bugs.

“It’s in everybody’s interest to keep them thinking soccer is just for kids to take their MILFs to.

“So if an American asks you to explain the rules, say that the winning team gets to sodomise the losers and then burn their flag.

“Then add that most of the money made in soccer goes towards anti-gun campaigns and that David Beckham rides a push-bike.”

American Joe Turner said: “There’s something wrong with the World Cup, in that we never win it.

“It’s like there’s an alternative universe where we’re not always the best at absolutely everything, and it scares me. Thank God for Hollywood.”

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Glittering reception celebrates Britain's biggest twats

THE prime minister has hosted a drinks party honouring the economic contribution made by the country’s twats.

The event has been dubbed ‘Twat Britannia II’, a reference to a party held by Tony Blair for twats like Noel Gallagher.

David Cameron said: “We may be a small nation, but Britain produces some massive twats, many of whom end up working in the entertainment industry, bringing idiot joy to millions of total morons.”

The guest list for the event has not been published, but it almost certainly includes Jeremy Clarkson, whoever invented Big Brother and Cheryl Cole.

The event was described by a staff member as “weird and horrible”.