Dutch king launches novelty bong website

THE new King of the Netherlands is to launch a website selling bongs shaped like TV and film characters.

Willem-Alexander said the range will include Yoda, Fat Kirstie Alley and Monkey from the TV series Monkey.

He also announced that the website will donate 15% of its profits to a farm near Rotterdam where people can just chill out and eat loads of apples.

The new king succeeds his mother Queen Beatrix who has abdicated so she can devote more time to her tie-dye tent business.

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Prisoner perks to be based on money laundering for Chris Grayling

PRISONERS will be allowed perks such as television and snooker if they help the evil justice secretary hide his illegal earnings.

Chris Grayling said: “Forty-five minutes of television a day is reasonable reward for setting up a Cayman Islands holding company or a tanning salon that does not exist.

“Indeed, if a prisoner is able to complete self-assessment tax returns for my entire staff then he and his friends may even be rewarded with a cold beer on a hot day.”

Grayling added that innocent prisoners with advanced accountancy skills will also be allowed to ask him for support with their appeals.