HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard: 

The Casual Head Nod

Gaze at your empty glass, then him, then the bar, before giving a gentle nod in that direction. If he asks what you’re looking at, simply reply ‘Your future, mate’. If he still doesn’t get it, point out the bar again, asking if he needs you to mark it on Apple Maps.

The Phantom Wallet Search

Pat your own pockets theatrically before saying ‘Thank God it’s your round because I’ve left my…’ and trail off. Gauge his reaction. Like David Attenborough filming a rare woodland stoat, you’ve startled the round-dodger into revealing his natural defence mechanisms. Namely, staring at the floor, checking his phone or suddenly needing a piss.

Buy Everyone Else a Drink

Return with fresh pints for everyone except him. When he asks where his is, smile warmly and say that that buying him one would only confuse him further about how rounds work. Add ‘You need to master the basics before we move on to advanced round-buying,’ and ask it he’s considered evening classes.

The Public Service Announcement

Raise your empty glass and loudly ask if anyone else wants one. Watch him stare into the middle distance as if pretending not to understand English will save him thirty quid. Then, scratch frantically at your throat, pretending to die of thirst. Saying you fancy a drink isn’t sufficient as the scumbag will respond that he’s ‘alright actually, thanks’.

The Barman Assist

Catch the bartender’s eye and when he asks ‘who’s next?’ point to your friend and his sealed wallet. He’ll already have noticed and, like any decent server of alcohol, considers it a personal insult to civilisation. And his livelihood. Round-avoiders are the only customers publicans despise more than those who order mocktails at peak times.

The Nuclear Option

Pick him up bodily and drag him to the f**king bar. Hold his phone up to his face until it unlocks, then complete the transaction before his flight instinct kicks in. Hold him there even if it does. This is male bonding.