Farage to speak at far-right German rally just like he dreamed of doing as a boy

NIGEL Farage is to speak at the rally of a far-right German party, just like he dreamed of doing when he was a boy at school. 

The former UKIP leader will speak to Germany’s anti-immigration Alternative für Deutschland party at the Spandau Citadel today, and admitted it is one he will be crossing off his bucket list.

He continued: “When I was just an innocent lad at Dulwich College, after an evening’s drinking and singing Hitler Youth songs and restaging our favourite bits of the war in Risk, I’d drift off to sleep just wishing I could be there.

“Wishing it was me stepping out on that stage, spotlights aimed at the sky, wearing that uniform and delivering those stirring words to those men standing in their ranks, all the excitement still before them.

“However you can’t travel in time – if only I could, the advice I could give him! – so I moved on, but the rise of a far-right xenophobic movement in Germany means I can now live out those childhood dreams. Surely even the jealous lefties can’t begrudge me that.”

He added: “What if I get them so fired up they spontaneously invade Poland? Gosh.”

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F**king take Northern Ireland if you're so in love with it, Davis tells EU

DAVID Davis has told the EU that if they think Northern Ireland’s so bloody great they can sodding well have it. 

The Brexit secretary snapped after yet another day was wasted on the province’s borders and peace agreement instead of the key issue of City financial services. 

He said: “Tell you what, Barnier, if Northern Ireland’s such a big cocking deal to you then you deal with it. It’s yours. It’s going with you. 

“No, I don’t give a shit about their tinpot border, you spotted that? Nor do I give a single solitary bugger about the Good Friday whatever. Frankly I’d forgotten we even had them. I mean they’re no Gibraltar. 

“There, they’re yours. Now can we please talk about London and the City, things that actually fucking matter?” 

EU negotiator Michel Barnier said: “Now this extraordinary offer has been made, we must concentrate our talks solely upon Northern Ireland for the next four to five months.

“To do otherwise would be irresponsible.”