Gibraltar monkey feels more European

A MEMBER of Gibraltar’s monkey population feels more European than British, he has confirmed.

Barbary macaque Wayne Hayes said that although he has never visited Britain it sounds horrible: “I understand the British basically live in underground tunnels that connect to big office buildings. It rains there constantly and the trees do not bear fruit.

“There’s no way I could possibly be into that. I don’t even own a watch.

“My life is basically like a 70s French film – I wake up late, smoke a fag, spend an hour on personal grooming then go out on a crime spree. Theresa May would hate it.

“At no point do I sit in front of a computer, hoping the morning goes quickly so that I can eat a sad little sandwich out of a cardboard box.

“Being a Euro monkey is great, apart from sometimes being shot with a tranquilizer dart for some vague veterinary reason.”

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Man goes to doctor instead of looking it up on internet

A MAN who thinks he is unwell has gone to the doctor instead of typing his symptoms into Google.

Tom Logan decided that this time the weird pain in the right hand side of his torso should be diagnosed by a professional so that it could be treated, possibly with medicine.

Logan said: “As a man in his mid-forties, I suffer from relentless, raging hypochondria.

“Anyway, this time I decided to actually inflict my hypochondria on my GP – mainly because he thinks he’s better than me just because he did an extra year at university. I hate him.”

Logan added “It has been an unusual experience. The examination, the diagnosis and the prescription all do seem to be significantly more effective and reassuring than spending six hours on Google and then buying some manky herbal tea and a fresh artichoke.

“That said, I probably won’t do it again.”