A MEMBER of Gibraltar’s monkey population feels more European than British, he has confirmed.
Barbary macaque Wayne Hayes said that although he has never visited Britain it sounds horrible: “I understand the British basically live in underground tunnels that connect to big office buildings. It rains there constantly and the trees do not bear fruit.
“There’s no way I could possibly be into that. I don’t even own a watch.
“My life is basically like a 70s French film – I wake up late, smoke a fag, spend an hour on personal grooming then go out on a crime spree. Theresa May would hate it.
“At no point do I sit in front of a computer, hoping the morning goes quickly so that I can eat a sad little sandwich out of a cardboard box.
“Being a Euro monkey is great, apart from sometimes being shot with a tranquilizer dart for some vague veterinary reason.”