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How to believe Trump's dead whenever he's not live on TV

DID you find great comfort this weekend in imagining president Trump was incapacitated or deceased? Why stop? Here’s how to always believe it: 

Avoid his press conferences

It is a regrettable fact that Trump, as a vainglorious arsehole, needs to hold regular press conferences while gold leaf creeps up the wall behind him. These are content-free and usually contain statements not just untrue but contrary to all truth, like 1,500 per cent price drops or claims tariffs have raised eight trillion dollars. Simply don’t watch.

Avoid golf courses

When not making risible claims about how many wars he just ended now while you were asking that question, Trump golfs. Therefore keep away from golf courses, especially those where he plays regularly and gold leaf is snaking across the greens like vulgar vines. Scotland and Florida are particularly worth avoiding, and not just for this.

Log off social media

Whether you believe Trump to be a colossus of righteousness and spend hours making AI video where he is every character in Band of Brothers or a threat to the free world, you’ll post about him constantly. Therefore stay off social media and enter a marvellous world where people mostly don’t talk about the leader of a country 5,000 miles away.

Write an obituary

To reinforce your belief that Trump is sadly no longer with us, pen a little obit. Mention how the issues with his hand gradually crept up to his brain, his speeches became torrents of nonsense words followed by rapturous applause, and he died on stage, his final words ‘Covfefe,’ his Rosebud. Compose it in the correct ‘we’re pretending we’re sad now’ tone.

Make a little shrine

Construct a miniature shrine to Donald so you have a reminder right there every day that he is no longer with us. A simple photograph, a pair of candles and his 1946-2025 dates should do it. Gold leaf will appear automatically entwined around it. Gaze at it daily, attempting to feel appropriately sombre but instead feeling wonderfully relaxed.

Ignore all fake news to the contrary

When others challenge your respectful observance with ludicrous claims like ‘He just imposed tariffs on California’ or ‘He said gasoline is free now’ or ‘He’s appointed a racehorse senator’, ignore them. These nonsensical stories are fake news, and we can all dismiss anything we don’t like as fake news. Donald taught us that. God rest him.

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Six sexual practices you'll immediately be dumped for even suggesting

THE internet is not real life, and practices discovered upon it should not be attempted IRL. Unless you long to be single, keep any suggestion of these to yourself: 

Watersports

No, not stand-up paddleboarding. And if you didn’t meet your partner on a specialist website there’s no easy way to broach this one. ‘Would you like me to wee on you?’ is just as unacceptable as ‘Would you mind awfully weeing on me?’ Appending the word ‘darling’ won’t help, you’re a filthy pissing bastard and the relationship is over.

Scrotal inflation

You’re unlikely to be considered ‘a keeper’ if you casually suggest your boyfriend injects saline solution into his ballsack to make them swell up like party balloons. ‘I only want it because I love you so much,’ will change nothing. He’ll be out of the door before you grab his knob and twist it into the likeness of a sausage dog.

Bukkake

Oh dear. Someone’s gone from anime to hentai to a dark place. A great way to show you have zero respect for your girlfriend and all women, and anyway how would it even work? Would you get your mates involved? Solicit the assistance of work colleagues? Go on the neighbourhood Facebook group? The ensuing logistical nightmare would prove as humiliating for the man.

Mummification

Never admit that you want to formalise your controlling behaviour by wrapping up your significant other so she can’t move a muscle. It will be interpreted as a massive red flag. Your partner may also suspect more heinous motives beyond mere eroticism, such as keeping her off her vape and phone.

Locktober

A month without physical intimacy is hardly an indication of unbridled passion. You can talk up the sexiness of discipline and self-restraint all you like; nobody’s buying it. Once you’ve let him know that you’d rather spend bedtimes re-reading the Wolf Hall trilogy than f**king, a future marriage is very much mapped out.

Donkey punch

‘How about I thump you in the head during sex?’ ‘Are you f**king mental?’ The idea that a blow to the back of the cranium leads to involuntary tightening of the vaginal passage is a dangerous urban myth. Only float this idea if you want to reveal yourself to be both a violent arsehole and a gullible prick. In other words, perfect ex-boyfriend material.

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