Thursday, 13th May 2021

How to convince the EU you really, really want a No Deal Brexit

YOU’RE in talks with the EU about a trade deal, as you have been for four years, but need to convince them you don’t actually want one. How do you do it? 

Tell everyone you don’t want a deal loudly, so they overhear

While still trying to get a deal in talks, loudly tell all your friends in the newspapers actually not having a deal is the best deal of all and really you want that and you’re totally prepared for it. The EU will hear you and be convinced.

Appoint a terrible Australian negotiator

Appointing one of Rupert Murdoch’s mates as trade negotiator who says ‘no way mate’ to any attempt to compromise really gets the message across. It’s like when we send someone crap to Eurovision to show our contempt for it, then lose.

Pass legislation ignoring the deal

Introduce a load of bills stamping all over the agreement you signed last year to fool the EU into thinking you’ve already decided against a deal and are only still in talks to be polite.

Set an unrealistic deadline

Set an unrealistically early deadline and proclaim that it is the final deadline, that no other deadlines will be considered, and if it’s passed then it’s all over and there is no possibility of going back, just like you did twice this time last year.

Order Britain’s fish back to our waters

Issue a proclamation to Britain’s fish to return to our territorial waters before the deadline to make sure they’re not trapped in dirty non-sovereign French water when it all happens. Warn them that defecting would be considered an act of war.

Perform Wannabe by the Spice Girls, but replace ‘zig-a-zig-aah’ with ‘no deal Brexit’

Launch into a beautifully choreographed rendition of Wannabe with all the lyrics rewritten to reflect how much you ‘really, really want’ a no-deal Brexit. Gary Barlow will do you a draft, he’s one of us.

Accept the same deal that’s been on the table for four years

Finally, making clear that you’re only doing it as a favour to the EU, grudgingly accept the same deal that’s been on the table since 2016 and tell all your mates in the newspapers it’s a triumph for Britain up there with Dunkirk. Bask in the glory.