Ibiza attracts record number of morons

PARTY island Ibiza is enjoying a bumper season with over 900,000 morons flying in.

Club promoters have hailed the influx of morons, half-wits and imbeciles as further evidence of a global clubbing renaissance.

DJ Tom Logan, who runs the Sexy Gurnfest Deluxe club night, said: “Last night’s party was solid, wall-to-wall morons.

“Morons are the backbone of this industry because it is absurdly easy to get their cash, they pretty much throw it at you.

“I said, ‘Morons put your hands in the air!’ and they all responded obediently like the sweaty bovines that they are. Then I said ‘Morons make some noise!’ and they all mooed and bleated.

“I kind of hate my life but Jesus Christ I am making so much money, I’ve had to rent a massive yacht just to store my cash – a cash yacht.”

Nikki Hollis works at superclub Robot, operating the VIP hand dryer: “The normal hand dryer is a tenner per go, but the VIP hand dryer is fifty quid. People ask me what the difference is and I tell them ‘the VIP hand dryer is for VIPs’.

“Then they give me fifty quid.”

Moron Emma Bradford said: “I want to see someone from reality television playing lab rat music off a laptop in an environment where drinks are about fifteen quid.

“I am having the stupid time of my idiot life.”

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Twitter abusers' mums urged to throw them out

THE mothers of men behind Twitter rape threats are being urged to boot them out of the parental homes where they inevitably live.

Helen Archer reached the end of her tether after catching her ageing live-at-home son bombarding female journalists with grotesque sexual advances.

She said: “My son Stephen is 44, but I still cook his tea and wash his pants.

“I thought he was spending all day in his room writing job applications. watching his favourite programme Babylon 5 or at least playing computer games.

“Turns out he was threatening to molest women and campaigning to get a ‘famous rapist’ in the £50 note.

“Well I’m a woman too, I wash his sheets and buy him the expensive ‘Country Crisp’ cereal he likes, and he can bugger off out of this house.

“It’s for his own good really.”

44-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I just desperately want a girlfriend and now I realise that obsessing about sexual violence on a public forum is the wrong way to get a nice lady’s attention.

“Instead I shall try going outside in daylight hours, and get an actual job instead of just selling the odd action figure on Ebay.”