AMERICA’S ‘hero cat’ has admitted she would kill humans if they were small enough to fit in her mouth.
Cat Tara won the hearts of simpletons by apparently saving a four-year-old from a dog attack.
The tabby carnivore said: “I did it because, much as I hate kids, I hate dogs more.
Ive no idea what the kids name is. A ‘name’, as you so whimsically call it, is just a noise to signal the availability of food.
Describing the perceived bond with her owners, the cat said: I dont recognise the concepts of ownership, family or friendship. I simply go where the protein is.
“I never think about the bipeds that feed me, except in idle moments to imagine them rodent-sized with me slowly plucking their limbs off one by one as they wail in agony.”
As a reward for her brave exploits, heroic Tara was honoured by being allowed to throw the first pitch at a baseball game: “I can’t throw things because my arms don’t swing, this is basic anatomy.
“You may as well ask a cow to drive a golf cart.”
Tara added: “For the avoidance of any further confusion, I am a cat. Cat. Cat.”