I’d have eaten toddler myself if it was smaller, says ‘hero cat’

AMERICA’S ‘hero cat’ has admitted she would kill humans if they were small enough to fit in her mouth.

"Cat"

“Cat”

Cat Tara won the hearts of simpletons by apparently saving a four-year-old from a dog attack.

The tabby carnivore said: “I did it because, much as I hate kids, I hate dogs more.

“I’ve no idea what the kid’s name is. A ‘name’, as you so whimsically call it, is  just a noise to signal the availability of food.”

Describing the perceived bond with her owners, the cat said: “I don’t recognise the concepts of ownership, family or friendship. I simply go where the protein is.

“I never think about the bipeds that feed me, except in idle moments to imagine them rodent-sized with me slowly plucking their limbs off one by one as they wail in agony.”

As a reward for her brave exploits, heroic Tara was honoured by being allowed to throw the first pitch at a baseball game: “I can’t throw things because my arms don’t swing, this is basic anatomy.

“You may as well ask a cow to drive a golf cart.”

Tara added: “For the avoidance of any further confusion, I am a cat. Cat. Cat.”