I’d have eaten toddler myself if it was smaller, says 'hero cat'

AMERICA’S ‘hero cat’ has admitted she would kill humans if they were small enough to fit in her mouth.

Cat Tara won the hearts of simpletons by apparently saving a four-year-old from a dog attack.

The tabby carnivore said: “I did it because, much as I hate kids, I hate dogs more.

“I’ve no idea what the kid’s name is. A ‘name’, as you so whimsically call it, is  just a noise to signal the availability of food.”

Describing the perceived bond with her owners, the cat said: “I don’t recognise the concepts of ownership, family or friendship. I simply go where the protein is.

“I never think about the bipeds that feed me, except in idle moments to imagine them rodent-sized with me slowly plucking their limbs off one by one as they wail in agony.”

As a reward for her brave exploits, heroic Tara was honoured by being allowed to throw the first pitch at a baseball game: “I can’t throw things because my arms don’t swing, this is basic anatomy.

“You may as well ask a cow to drive a golf cart.”

Tara added: “For the avoidance of any further confusion, I am a cat. Cat. Cat.”

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Nigel Farage's guide to voting UKIP

GOOD morning and congratulations on making the best decision of your life – you’re going to vote UKIP.

But how exactly do you do that? Is it true that UKIP are so outside the political system that you can register your vote by making a deliciously politically incorrect remark in a public place?

Sadly not, though don’t let that stop you. Just follow the steps below:

Head out to your local polling station, but be wary. Primary schools are hotbeds of trendy liberal Marxism, and that wall display could be multicultural propaganda.

Dress smartly to act as an ambassador for your party. Men should wear a blazer, tie and biscuit-coloured trousers. Women should be well-groomed and not vote.

Do not be tempted by false UKIPs like an Independence in Europe, No2EU and the English Democrats. They are serpents sent to sway you from the path of righteousness.

Make your cross in the box next to your local UKIP candidate’s name. Don’t worry if you don’t recognise it – he’ll soon be on the TV news for saying things about gays.

Don’t add another four lines to your cross to make a cheeky little swastika. This counts as spoiling your ballot and is a major reason why right-wing parties underperform in elections.

Finally, enjoy yourself! Take your time, drink in the surroundings and savour the moment. After all, you’re never going to vote UKIP again.