If you're being a tax haven we only really want London, say investors

INTERNATIONAL investors have demanded that when Britain becomes a tax haven it must slim down to just London. 

Following Theresa May’s threat to turn the UK into a low-tax home for anonymous bank accounts and nine-to-a-room multinational head offices, investors have suggested she ‘trim the fat’ first.

Hedge fund manager Julian Cook said: “Tax haven is very much the way we’ve been going anyway, and some naughty boys I know in South America will be extremely interested.

“But, you know, Monaco, Luxembourg, the Cayman Islands… notice anything? Low acreage? Very little infrastructure to support?

“My clients are not the kind of people who foot the bill for Doncaster’s streetlights, I’m afraid, though big thanks to the Doncastrians for voting Brexit.

“No, I mean if the Scots and the nutters are going anyway bung the North off with them, auction Wales off as uninhabited, flood the South, London’s your sovereign tax haven. Job done.”

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “Mmm. It does seem that absolutely everything worth bothering with is already in London. Coincidentally.”


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Courgette famine yet to claim first victim

NOBODY has starved to death so far despite a desperate lack of courgettes reaching British shores.

Authorities had predicted a complete breakdown of civilisation, but so far it appears that almost nobody has even noticed the lack of courgettes.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We predicted a Doomsday scenario where there would be devastating courgette riots across the nation, only the strongest surviving, reaching home battered and bruised but triumphantly holding a courgette to be shared amongst the family.

“But instead it seems that people are bearing up surprisingly well.

“It now seems that we may avoid the bloody scenes in the Waitrose aisles brought about by last year’s hummus outage.”

Shopper Mary Fisher said: “I paid £150 for what I thought was pure courgette but when I got it home and sampled the merchandise, I discovered it was cucumber.

“I swear to God if I don’t get some courgette soon I’m going to turn to crack, or chard, whichever one’s cheaper.”