Infinite number of Facebook users will eventually find perfect Israel-Palestine solution

AN infinite number of Facebook users writing an infinite number of statuses will eventually stumble upon the solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict.

The laws of probability predict the endless stream of opinions about the situation have a non-zero chance of randomly finding a watertight resolution that leaves both sides happy.

Data analyst Norman Steele said: “This isn’t just a thought experiment. It’s happening right now on your feed, no matter how much you wish it wasn’t.

“It will take time before the perfect solution is hit on; time and typing and ignorance. But we have ample supplies of each.

“Eventually everything from settlements in the occupied West Bank to jurisdiction of the Dome on the Rock will be neatly solved in a post from a 62-year-old grandfather in Peterborough. Perhaps with a few emojis thrown in.

“The status we’re looking for could come from any account on any page. Your dad might have posted it in his street’s Neighbourhood Watch group this morning. Your mum might have posted it in LinkedIn. Check all of them hourly.

“Failing that, keep churning out your own ideas. You might only have a vague grasp of what’s happening, but yours could be the status that wins the Nobel Peace Prize.”

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Five unexpectedly wise things your toddler definitely didn't f**king say

DID your small child come out with a nugget of profound wisdom you selflessly passed on to others? No they f**king didn’t: 

‘Animals are our best selves, Daddy’

A five-year-old saw a dog and came out with this cogent metaphorical statement? Coincidentally after you’d been explaining the terrible evils of the world to her? Doesn’t even make sense, considering there are cats in the world and they are evil bastards.

‘Life is about finding the passion that makes your heart sing’

Opportune that your daughter said this a fortnight after you began freelance life-coaching. And while Dandelion is a lovely girl she’s just about getting round to understanding the complexities of Peppa Pig. Though she may have said this. It is all over the internet already, after all.

‘God sees us as we truly are’

When you put this in your social media status accredited to your toddler, you seem to be forgetting other people have met him. When did he find time to contemplate the omnipresence of divinity, between throwing his mashed carrots on the floor and loudly and openly shitting himself?

‘Death is a true moment of catharsis’

If Reuben said this, he’s possessed. If he said it in response to a budgie dying, he killed that budgie and you’re next. Are you sure? Not ‘sadness’ or ‘sads’? Colour your followers amazed, because it was just last week he fed crayons into the toaster. Perhaps he’s more of a philosopher.

‘Brexit was built on a pack of lies’

Children learn by repetition, so this one’s believable because if you’re claiming it now you’ve been saying it daily for seven years. Never mind that little Donald was born after Article 50 was triggered, he remembers the referendum campaign was rife with misinformation, even as a sperm in your admittedly Rioja-saturated ballsack.