Two men in forties very much afraid they could become friends

A PAIR of men in their 40s fear they may inexorably move from being comfortable acquaintances to full-blown friendship. 

Over the past few years, Martin Bishop and Joseph Turner have unwillingly developed a bond due to their shared interests in football and visiting the tip, but have so far resisted any but chance meetings.

Bishop said: “I have to admit, I’m getting a bit concerned I’m making an emotional connection here. How am I going to find time for that?

“First we were at nodding terms at the school gates, then we’re talking about whether Preston can get promoted and John Wick 4, then he borrowed my pressure washer and we both realised we were in too deep.

“It’s too much. I genuinely thought I’d made my last friend in year nine. Certainly I haven’t needed any others these last thirty years. What am I meant to do with a new one?”

Turner agreed: “We’ve already exchanged vague sentiments about going for a pint at some as-yet-undetermined point in the future, so there’s no getting out of it now.

“Just what I bloody need at my time of life. What if someone sees us? How will we explain that?”

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Like settling into a lovely warm bath, says Corbyn at Free Palestine rally

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted being back at Free Palestine rallies is like settling into a lovely warm bubble bath. 

The former Labour leader, who spoke to thousands at a rally on Saturday, said seeing that cheering sea of red, green and black made him wonder why he had ever tried to appeal to a wider audience in the first place.

He said: “You know when you don’t realise how badly you’ve missed something until it’s back and your whole body is just oozing relief? That.

“I’ve done stuff with the Saudis and their illegal war on Yemen but it’s just not the same as that classic Israel-Palestine feeling, you know? It’s like coming home.

“God, four years of my life I wasted doing that leadership thing, trying to change the minds of dickheads who wouldn’t know a keffiyeh from a bandana, and now I’m where I should be and wondering why I ever wanted to leave.

“End the violence, end apartheid, end the occupation, all that but let’s not stop holding these no matter what, right? Because they’re making an old man very happy.”

He added: “I’ve got the theme tune from Cheers running through my head and I can’t stop smiling.”