England reach semi-final, but in rugby

THE England team are in a World Cup semi-final, but sadly only in the game of rugby. 

The team, which represents a certain strata of the country, has achieved something which is impressive until you look again and realise the sport involved.

Wayne Hayes of Newcastle said: “So, there’s been a World Cup on. Seemingly for some time.

“And this ‘England’ team, whose players are household names if your children attend fee-paying schools, have beaten some others and are in the semi-final. I suppose well done.

“This isn’t the one where there’s only six nations involved. I don’t know what that one’s called, but this one’s bigger. Wonder where it’s on? Not anywhere nearby or I’d have heard, surely.

“So yes, we’re playing South Africa and then we could bring home a World Cup. Not the World Cup, obviously. God, imagine if we were in the semi-final of that. I’d be agog.

“Will I watch it? No, I’m not getting up to watch Sky Sports 3 at four in the morning. What? It’s on ITV next Saturday night? Well probably not anyway, no.”

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35-year-old man can't be bothered to get into new porn

A MAN in his mid-30s is content to keep consuming the porn he fell in love with during his formative years.

Joseph Turner has confirmed he cannot be arsed to get into the porn that is popular with younger generations, and firmly believes the best stuff came out in the late 90s.

Turner said: “I used to consume new porn religiously. At uni, I had subscriptions to all the big weekly mags. But you reach a certain age when all current pornographic material just seems derivative and uninspiring. To be honest, a lot of it looks the same.

“In principle, I support the democratisation of the means of production. But porn these days is often horribly amateurish: poor technique, no clever production tricks, and certainly no attempt at plot. It’s just a lot of hardcore sex.

“The graduate interns at work are all into pegging and seem to think they invented the strap-on. Personally, I don’t think you can beat a bit of classic double penetration or a pearl necklace. Call that ‘dad porn’ if you like. I don’t care, I’m a dad.

“Does my traditional approach mean I don’t look at it on my phone? Obviously not. Any innovation that keeps my wife from knowing about my habit is enthusiastically embraced.”