Fancy notepads: Things you spent a bloody fortune on which are 'too nice to use'

SPENT a stupid amount of money on a theoretically functional item? Here are some things you will never dare to use and resent for it:

Fancy notepads

Anything nicer than a 50p reporters’ notepad is far too beautiful for your unworthy thoughts. Add in a cover made of textured fabric and you start feeling this supposed writing tool is a work of art on a par with the Mona Lisa. Cracking the spine would be practically sacrilegious.

Shaped candles

Who doesn’t love a candle shaped like an adorable pumpkin or a cool geometric shape? But then, do you really want to burn the structural beauty out of your newly-acquired sculpture? Instead, let it sit there as a testament to its own potential, and then you can consider it in a power cut as a last resort, before opting to sit in the dark because it cost £18.


A bog-standard cushion is delightfully comfortable to put your head, feet or bum on. However, if you splash out on an expensive one you will be furious if someone tries to put their arse on it, as that’s something they also put on the toilet. It ends up in the spare bedroom where nobody ever sees it, except the cat who uses it as a fancy scratching post.

Beautiful shoes

A pair of gorgeous designer heels is the dream of many women, but you wouldn’t want to risk wearing them outside and getting them dirty. It’s much better to just imagine wearing them to glamorous events you’ll never attend, and only ever put them on to demonstrate to yourself how chubby your feet have become over the years since you bought them.

Decorative bowls

Your partner thinks bowls are simply containers for holding food, but he is wrong. They are a feature of the home, and the more tiny and impractical they are, the better. When he tries to put some cereal in one you freak out and tell him it costs £25. Then he freaks out and tells you off for wasting money that should be going towards a house deposit, and the bowl gets smashed in the ensuing argument.

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Bitch-ass birds flying south for winter

THE more pathetic and cowardly species of birds have already started flying to warmer climes for the winter, it has emerged.

Lightweights like swallows and nightingales are among the dozens of avian species that find Britain too much to bear in the winter, and have begun migrating to the more temperate climate of their precious Africa.

Birdwatcher Martin Bishop said: “Look at those snowflake pussies go. What’s the matter, food not abundant enough for you at this time of year? Cucks.

“They make such a fuss about it too by flying in massive flocks. We get it, you virtue-signalling babies, you haven’t got the nuts to stick it out over here until spring. I wouldn’t draw attention to that if I were you.

“If they love Africa so much why don’t they stay there all year round? We won’t miss them, and there’d be more room in this country for swole gigachads with big dick energy like ospreys and redwings.”

Naturalist Helen Archer said: “Birds migrate all year round for a variety of reasons. All of them pathetic excuses designed to hide the fact that they’re sissy motherf**kers who should have gone extinct years ago.”