A MAN is embracing the true spirit of autumn by coming down with a cold that will last all October.
Snivelling wreck Tom Booker has surrendered himself to the wonder of autumn by catching a bug that will not make him ill enough to take time off work but will make it difficult to do anything that is not lying in bed.
He said: “I’d managed to avoid succumbing to autumn’s charms for a few weeks. But then my youngest came back from primary school and coughed in my face and here I am, diseased.
“Now I get to indulge in all the autumn traditions. Drinking four Lemsips a day. Failing to get to sleep even though I feel tired all the time. Shivering. It’s a magical time of year.
“I’ve gone all-in, too. My throat feels like it’s lined with sandpaper and my nose has been pumping out a seemingly endless quantity of snot. You can’t half-arse this sort of thing, it would be like celebrating Christmas without a tree.
“The only downside is that I’ll still be expected to indulge in all the autumn crap like marvelling at the colours of the leaves and going to a harvest festival. When all I really want to do is curl up in my wardrobe and die.”