Man getting into the autumn spirit by coming down with a cold

A MAN is embracing the true spirit of autumn by coming down with a cold that will last all October.

Snivelling wreck Tom Booker has surrendered himself to the wonder of autumn by catching a bug that will not make him ill enough to take time off work but will make it difficult to do anything that is not lying in bed.

He said: “I’d managed to avoid succumbing to autumn’s charms for a few weeks. But then my youngest came back from primary school and coughed in my face and here I am, diseased.

“Now I get to indulge in all the autumn traditions. Drinking four Lemsips a day. Failing to get to sleep even though I feel tired all the time. Shivering. It’s a magical time of year.

“I’ve gone all-in, too. My throat feels like it’s lined with sandpaper and my nose has been pumping out a seemingly endless quantity of snot. You can’t half-arse this sort of thing, it would be like celebrating Christmas without a tree.

“The only downside is that I’ll still be expected to indulge in all the autumn crap like marvelling at the colours of the leaves and going to a harvest festival. When all I really want to do is curl up in my wardrobe and die.”

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This is Strictly not a f**king nunnery, complain sex-starved viewers

STRICTLY Come Dancing viewers are deserting the show in droves after not one couple has begun an illicit affair.

As the show enters its fourth week without a frenzied liaison between celebrity and dancer shattering a long-standing relationship, viewers have been left shouting ‘Go on, shag him’ and ‘Get right up her, mate’ at their televisions in frustration.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “I don’t want to be funny, but if they’re not banging each other it’s not very entertaining, is it? Just a load of dancing.

“It’s a poor show when they’ve got Angela Rippon hot to trot and a bloke from Love Island with a string of conquests competing against his ex, and we’re in week four and nothing’s bloody happened. They should have their pay docked.

“Though it’s not the celebrities I blame, it’s the dancers. They’re earning good money to ruin marriages and reputations but barely exploiting the adulterous possibilities of the tango. It’s almost like they don’t want a long-term relationship with Krishnan Guru-Murthy.

“Let’s stop pissing around and make week five Naked Week. That should get some dicks wet.”