REPUBLICANS in Jamaica still expect to push through their divisive anti-monarchy agenda despite being visited by a thin white woman. Here’s why it can’t happen:
Kate is delightful
We’ve brought out the big guns to battle this insurrection. The Duchess of Cambridge herself has blessed your insignificant island with her glowing presence. She’s banged bongos, swum with sharks and worn colourful dresses. She is a living, breathing argument for monarchy that is impossible to refute.
Wills is fun
Though sadly resembling his father, Wills is always game for a laugh, proving conclusively that Caucasian hereditary heads of state from 4,561 miles away are a brilliant idea. He’s climbed into a bobsleigh and sort of shiftily implied he’d seen Cool Runnings. What else do you want?
Their children are angels from heaven
They’re not on this tour but George, Charlotte and the other one are divine beings of pure light who have descended from the ethereal plane to uplift humanity to utopia. And just think, in no more than 70 years one will pretend to rule your lucky, lucky country.
Nobody did anything mean to Meghan
Just because the only black member of the Royal Family quit after less than two years making claims about racism or something doesn’t mean any of it was true. She’s a Hollywood princess who lives in an imaginary world. Kate and Wills love black people! That’s why they’re here!
Presidents are boring
Who are you going to have instead, a president? Some boring Jamaican man without any palaces, jewels or a tradition of rich pageantry? Imagine how you’ll feel in 20 years when George announces his wedding to a woman as pretty as his wonderful mother and you’re not a part of it and don’t even get a day off? You’ll feel like idiots.
The Queen will be upset
In her Platinum Jubilee? When she’s already lost her husband, her favourite son’s been in all that silly bother and her grandson’s turned on her? And you’re planning to leave her without the dancehall riddims she so enjoys? How could you? If she dies it’ll be your fault.
