Mandela and Prince Philip exchange sarcastic 'get well soon' cards

NELSON Mandela and Prince Philip have sent each other ‘get well’ messages dripping with poisonous sarcasm.

The anti-apartheid icon wished the Queen’s Consort a ‘speedy recovery’ and hoped the Prince would soon get back to ‘making my point for me’.

Meanwhile, Prince Philip urged Mr Mandela to ‘keep his chin up’ before comparing the former’s president’s chest infection to a ‘dangerous radical trying to overthrow a perfectly good system’.

In his card to Mr Mandela, Prince Philip said: “I can’t remember if you’re the one who calls me ‘Number-One-Fella-Belonga-Mrs-Queen’. I’m sure you won’t be offended when I say that you all look exactly the same.

“South Africa is a beautiful country and you should be proud that so many of the nicer people chose to remain, despite everything that’s happened since about 1990.”

He added: “I trust you are in the hands of a top-quality witch doctor.”

Mr Mandela wrote: “I was saddened to hear of your hospitalisation. Luckily you have access to first rate medical care because you fought so bravely for the right to marry an unelected head of state.

“It gives me great satisfaction that such privilege is still enjoyed by the rag-tag remnants of the European aristocracy who so defiled this proud continent.

“I have no doubt that someone of your towering, Aryan intellect will reflect upon this deeply. Particularly if it has been tattooed onto the buttocks of a horse.”

He added: “I predict that one day a polo club snack bar will be named after you.”

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Why wasn't eggs girl carrying a harpoon gun?

BRITONS are demanding an investigation into why the Britain’s Got Talent protestor didn’t bring a harpoon gun instead of eggs.

30-year-old violinist Natalie Holt smuggled Marks & Spencer eggs onto the BGT stage and pelted Simon Cowell.

But Britons have been left wondering why she wasn’t properly prepared, perhaps with a harpoon gun or Zulu thrusting spear.

Plumber Wayne Hayes said: “What if she’d been carrying some kind of spearing device – which she could easily have fitted into a large violin case.

“Cowell would have been skewered to his chair while Les Dennis’s ex-wife mouthed the word ‘fuck’ and a crimson-drenched PJ and Duncan mumbled something about an ad break.

“That would have been a truly memorable Saturday night’s entertainment, certainly more up my street than silhouette dancing.

“These protestors really need to get their shit together.”

However a Britain’s Got Talent source confirmed that David Walliams is contractually obliged to hurl himself between Cowell and any potential assassin.

The source said: “In the event of a weapon being pulled, Walliams is to leap across the desk and shield Cowell with his large body.

“David has prepared for his moment of sacrifice with pre-scripted dying innuendos like ‘He just whipped it out and it went off…’ and ‘That man’s put a hard thing in me and it hurts.'”