Mugabe Demands 5000 Gazillion Dollar Pension

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has agreed to resign in exchange for a pension of 5000 gazillion Zimbabwean dollars a year.

Much of Mugabe's lump sum will be stored off the coast of neighbouring Mozambique

Mugabe, in power since 1980, has insisted his long service entitles him to two-thirds of his final salary plus a lump sum.

Government officials are now preparing to buy up two million acres of Scandinavian spruce to supply Zimbabwe's paper mills and have commissioned 1000 trucks to deliver the monthly cash allowance to the ex-President's stolen farm.

The lump sum will be stored in a fleet of tankers, an office block and a football stadium.

Meanwhile the country's economists are devising a new number for the final cash total. The current favourite is a 'mugillion'.

Sources close to Mugabe said he would spend his entire first month's payment on a really nice pen.

The outgoing president has also spoken of his shock at losing to the opposition MDC.

"My 2002 manifesto stated quite clearly that I would push inflation beyond 500,000 percent a day, put absolutely everybody out of work and beat seven shades of shit out of anyone who disagrees with me.

"Despite fulfilling these pledges I offered to push inflation even higher, to make everyone even more unemployed and to find that elusive eighth shade of shit to beat from my enemies.

"I just don't understand people anymore."