New Yorkers Terrified By 80ft Gorilla

NEW York was flung into a state of panic yesterday as thousands of people watched an 80 foot-high gorilla climb the Empire State Building.

The White House later apologised for the incident, revealing that it had simply wanted a nice photograph of the city's population gaping in terror at a giant, furious ape.

The first signs of panic were at 9.30am when office workers were evacuated after a four-foot wide eyeball was seen peering into their meeting room.

Sales manager Bernadette McLintock said: "Josh was just giving us the weekly figures when there was a really strong smell of bananas and faeces.

"The next thing I know, there's this huge monkey nose sniffing the coffee machine. I thought his big hand was going to reach in and grab me, but he went for my friend Carol instead. Skank."

Air Force general Thomas Logan said: "Yesterday's activities were unfortunate but from time to time we will have to carry out anti-monster exercises.

"Through our intelligence sources we know that Al-Qaeda has been trying for months to recruit an enormous ape, with their efforts focused mainly on Skull Island."

Mayor Michael Bloomberg said: "It was insensitive to do this on a date that, while utterly dissimilar to September 11th, shares many of the same letters.

"I'd scrambled half a dozen biplanes before we were told the real situation. Have you tried finding one working biplane? Let alone six? It's incredibly difficult."

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Iggy Pop To Insure 1996 Renault Laguna

GODFATHER of punk Iggy Pop last night requested a comprehensive insurance quote for his 1996 Renault Laguna estate.

Pop was forced to act after the Advertising Standards Authority ruled that his television commercials for had misled more than 11 people.

The ASA said it was shocked to discover that the New York-based new-wave legend did not have a motor policy with the biggest insurance company in Woking.

Insurance industry analyst Julian Cook said: "When I saw the advert I have to say my first thought was not, 'I wonder if he really does have a policy with Swiftcover', it was, 'Oh dear God, Iggy Pop must be absolutely skint'.

"Personally I would be shocked to discover if the 12 people who complained were not in some way connected to Norwich Union, or whatever the hell they're called these days."

Meanwhile the ASA rejected complaints from more than 250,000 Iggy Pop fans who said they could simply not believe what they were seeing.

Mr Pop added: "It's a diesel, it's done about 87,000 miles and I keep it in the driveway overnight.

"I don't use it for business or commuting. It's really just for nipping to the shops two or three times a week, golf on Saturday mornings and, of course, church."

A Swiftcover representative said the premiums are likely to be a bit higher as Mr Pop has four points on his licence for driving while having home-made vodka injected into the base of his spine and fucking a frozen chicken.