North Korean TV shows Alan Titchmarsh naked from the waist down

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Quick war with China to clinch election, decides government

THE government has decided to engage in a quick war with China to gain public support ahead of the election, it has emerged.

Having noticed that it is polling at an all-time low, the government has decided to embark on a swift war with the Asian superpower which it is confident the UK can utterly crush just in time for the election.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “Yep, it’s straight out of the Thatcher playbook. Wave off a few aircraft carriers to the other side of the world, let our boys do their thing, then watch the votes roll in. Never fails.

“Why else do you think we’re suddenly getting outraged over their state-sponsored hacking? We didn’t give a shit about it when it happened in 2021 because we still had three years left on the clock. You’ve got to use these scandals at the right time.

“Everyone will soon forget how the country fell apart on our watch as His Majesty’s forces march into Beijing and the two-million-strong Chinese People’s Liberation Army lay down their guns. We’d be so popular we could probably scrap the pension triple lock while we’re at it.

“With any luck we’ll be in and out in a couple of months, just like the Falklands. Then it’s back to Blighty with another term in office as the spoils of war. I can’t think of a single way this could go wrong.”