AFTER years of bitter political struggle, Barack Obama is secretly hoping he will lose the presidential election.
The wan and unenthusiastic president has been sabotaging his own campaign to avoid four more years of unbelievable stress, and appeared at a rally yesterday dancing in tight leather shorts with The Vengaboys.
He has announced plans to appoint OJ Simpson as vice president, affixed a ‘Worst President Ever’ sticker to Airforce One and described George Washington as a rampant homosexual with ‘the hair of a pervert’.
Speaking at a rally, he said: “Lenin is my favourite person, also I really like the Viet Cong’s tenacity in the face of capitalism.
“By the way, I am a vampire. The Oval Office is fully of tiny shrunken husks that look like prunes, they’re actually children that I’ve sucked dry.”
White House sources claim the president wants his wife and kids to think he’s still just about trying, but he has bought a camper van and ordered four pairs of casual khaki shorts from a catalogue.
The spiritually depleted president has also personally disarmed American’s nuclear arsenal and loaded the warheads into his car, ‘so that Romney can’t do too much damage’.
The president said: “As you get older, you just want to watch a natural disaster unfolding on television without having to stress about it.”
He also attacked former fan Angelina Jolie, who described his presidency as disappointing: “I suppose pushing through a complex universal healthcare bill in the face of huge opposition is equally as hard as running around firing pretend guns, saying ‘I’m Lara Croft’ while displaying a sweaty cleavage.
“Actually wait, no it fucking isn’t.”