Pope orders Vatican Bank inquiry and own death

POPE Francis has launched an investigation into the Vatican Bank which will lead inevitably to his mysterious demise.

The Pontiff, who has obviously grown tired of being alive, hopes to emulate his hero John Paul I, who reigned for 33 days in 1978 until he suddenly stopped breathing after asking a lot of annoying questions.

A Vatican spokesman said: “The Holy Father is a great believer in Church tradition and would prefer to die at the hands of a cabal of secret freemasons.

“We’re all very excited about making it look like a heart attack.”

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British grass defeats foreigners

ANOTHER batch of foreigners was sent packing yesterday in a major victory for Britain’s grass.

The Wimbledon lawns scored memorable wins over Maria Sharapova and Caroline Wozniacki, while seven other foreigners surrendered rather than face a battering at the hands of the All England Club’s big green rectangles.

Court Number Two, Britain’s number three tennis court, said: “I’ve been working especially hard on my slippery parts.

“I knew that Sharapova would try and stop me from playing my normal game so it was really about making sure I stayed as flat as possible.”

Centre Court, the current British number five, said: “I love playing against Caroline Wozniacki, she is a fantastic opponent, but when I got up this morning I felt very slippery indeed.”

But the court refused to take credit for the demise of Roger Federer, insisting: “That wasn’t me. He was just rubbish.”

Centre Court added: “I want to conserve my energy for the weekend so I can send Novak Djokovic skidding headfirst into the umpire’s chair.”

Meanwhile, Court Number One, the British number eight, said: “It’s a shame that Jo-Wilfried Tsonga has run away like a little girl.

“I’ve actually been fitted with a trap door and a crocodile pit and I was hoping to try it out on a Frenchman.”