President Trump or President Kanye: which would be the absolute f**king worst?

THE USA could choose another four years of Trump, or gamble on an even bigger twat by electing President Kanye West. Who would suck harder? 


As a real-estate developer Trump’s business model is firmly based on ripping everybody off. Kayne is a classic Kenyesian economist, in that he spends shitloads constantly and doesn’t give one f**k, which while unsophisticated is a proven method of beating recession.

Foreign policy

Trump was delusional enough to get on well with Boris Johnson and Kim Jong-un. But Kanye is twice as egomaniacal and would force them to record bars for an upcoming track, leaving them humbled and terrified. Even China’s tiny compared to Kanye’s towering self-regard.

First lady

The White House belongs to America. So why aren’t there cameras in there filming every moment of the First Family’s life to sell overseas? Melania calls herself a model, but Kim Kardashian would really monetise every aspect of the Oval Office for Instagram likes.

Military leadership

Who would the army rather take orders from, a fat man with f**ked-up hair and tiny little eyes or the man who made bangers like Power, Stronger, and Black Skinhead that sound great on your headphones as you’re air-striking Al Qaeda or whoever? No contest.

Fighting coronavirus

Trump won’t wear a facemask because he’s so insecure he thinks it makes him look unmanly. Kanye wore a full-face crystal facemask for his whole 2013 tour. This both sets a good example to Americans and makes him look like Cobra Commander, so win-win.


America deserves Kanye.

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Tired or old? Take our quiz

ARE you tired and just having a bad day face-wise, or is this how you look now? Find out: 

How do you feel most days when you wake up?

A) Terrible, with a headache from staying up until midnight on wine and gin last night and feeling the pain from yesterday’s 5K run.
B) Terrible, with a headache even though you didn’t drink anything but redbush tea and went to bed at 9.45pm.

What’s the first question young children ask you?

A) Why have you painted purple bits under your eyes?
B) How are you still alive?

What kind of presents do friends buy you?

A) Days out? Clothes? Books I never get round to reading?
B) Just bottles of whiskey because nobody’s sure what I can actually manage to do anymore.

You make a self-deprecating comment while talking to a friend. They:

A) Immediately say, ‘You look fine!’
B) Allow a pause to stretch for too long as they wonder if now’s the time for an intervention, then over-correct by saying ‘Did you know you can work wonders with Instagram filters?’

What do you say when you pick things up off the floor?

A) Why am I the one who has to pick up this shit? It’s like none of the rest of you even see it
B) Oof

Who is Mr Blobby? 

A) A character from a TV show who once had a Christmas number one
B) Fat, stumbling around breaking stuff, incoherent, terrifying to children, nobody can remember why they even liked it once: you


Mostly As: You’re just tired. Do something comforting like eat a Terry’s Chocolate Orange in front of old episodes of Foyle’s War, and on no account take any selfies.

Mostly Bs: You’re old and haggard. Take it out on the young by voting Tory.