Employee asked to 'socialise the idea and see if it gains traction' hates that he knows what it means

A MAN asked via Zoom to socialise an idea and give it an offline pulse-check has confirmed that it made him hate his boss but also hate himself. 

Josh Hudson clarified that he completely understands what his boss means, will perform the actions and report back to him in the same language but that everyone involved will be filled with self-loathing throughout.

Hudson continued: “Before he got promoted, Ryan was a normal human being. Then one day we were on a call and he said, ‘What cadence shall we engage at going forward? Can we circle back and touch base by close of play?’

“I waited for someone to take the piss but no-one did. Then Martin replied, without any trace of irony: ‘I think a daily pulse-check is a good baseline: that will keep us nimble. And if we don’t get buy-in during that window, we can deep-dive offline.’

“And, God help us, we did.”

Professor of linguistics Helen Archer said: “Workplaces are hotbeds of insecurity and sheep-like imitation, so if one tosser uses a phrase everyone will. Drop ‘Let’s hand-feed this koala’ and five days later, the executive board is saying it.

“Or you can speak plain English and make sure you’re clearly understood at all times. But don’t expect to ever get promoted.”

Last mum to correct her children's Americanisms gives up

THE last British mum who dutifully corrects her children’s Americanisms has finally given up.

Carolyn Ryan has been trying to maintain standards, but has now conceded defeat after a barrage of American English from her two young daughters.

Ryan said: “Every conversation with my kids is, ‘Can we watch a movie? And can I have some candy? Or a cupcake with frosting?’

“At first you firmly say, ‘No, but you can watch a film with some sweets, or a fairy cake with icing’. But then they don’t understand you.

“It’s a losing battle. I managed to get them to stop saying ‘pants’ meaning trousers briefly, but yesterday the oldest one upped her game by saying she’d ‘got smarts’. I almost threw up.

“You can keep banging on about proper English but they’ll just think you’ve lost it and tell you about their friend’s mum who has, apparently, ‘gotten therapy’. So I’ve given up.”

After being interrupted by her daughter Daisy, Ryan added: “Quit bugging me. Let’s go to the store for cookies. Put your sneakers on.”