Putin gets his arse kicked at Warhammer

VLADIMIR Putin’s forces have suffered a series of humiliating defeats during a Warhammer conflict with a spotty teenage nerd.

As a break from events in Ukraine, the Russian president arranged a miniature wargame with Anton Mikhailov, 13, during which his space marines were annihilated and his behaviour became increasingly erratic.

Onlooker Daniel Vasiliev said: “When Putin arrived he produced a gold-plated briefcase full of space marines. Then he started saying stuff like ‘I’m going to smash you, I’m going to rip your balls off, you little shit’. He was pretty weird.

“But when the game started he was crap at it. He was obsessed with killing all Anton’s orks, chasing them all over the battlefield and not completing objectives. Total noob mistake. 

“Anton kept picking off his marines with ranged weapons, then Putin flipped out and said ‘Right, take your shirt off. I’m going to fight you’. Anton was like, no way bro, because the guy was psycho. Also, didn’t he learn to how to kill people in the KGB?

“When Putin was about to lose he suddenly decided to stop playing and go home. As he left all he said was ‘At least I’m not a virgin. I shag hot gymnasts. I’m not making that up, you can ask anyone.’

“He didn’t even thank Anton’s mum for the blackcurrant squash and ginger biscuits. I guess he’s just a bad loser.”

A Kremlin spokesperson said: “The president won a decisive Warhammer victory at Anton Mikhailov’s house. Any other claims are lies by the West, NATO and liberal transsexualists only JK Rowling and our brave leader have the courage to stand up to.”

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Beautiful stranger on train still thinks about that time they saw you

A BEAUTIFUL stranger who saw you on the train that one time still thinks about you constantly, they have confirmed.

Actress and fitness coach Charlotte Phelps – whose name you do not actually know – saw you on the 8.37 into London Bridge one dull, wet Wednesday morning and was so enraptured that she has thought of little else since.

Phelps, 24, said: “As soon as he got on the train, he had my attention with the way he kept nervously looking at me and gawping. Nobody has ever done that before. It was so sexy.

“I’m not usually attracted to people who have that desperate, sexually frustrated, nowhere-near-my-league vibe, but for some reason this time I fell instantly and intractably in love.

“Since then this unattractive mystery man has played on my mind constantly, so much so I’ve tried to writing poetry about him as an outlet. But I’ve really struggled to find rhymes for ‘poorly kept facial hair’ and ‘narrow shoulders’.”

Phelps has been forced to seek help from a cognitive therapist who specialises in dealing with extreme romantic infatuations.

Dr Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve sadly been unable to help. Once she started telling me about this person I instantly fell in love with them as well. A man with bad posture who stares at women on trains? How could she let him slip through her fingers?”