Folding corners instead of using bookmarks: Five red flags for incredibly nerdy people

DATING a nerd? You could be exhibiting problematic behaviour like this without even knowing it.

Folding down corners instead of using bookmarks

What are you, a f**king animal? You could have enjoyed the most romantic date in history and ended it in the best way possible by reading your encyclopaedias in bed, but if you fold down the corner of a page to keep your place then expect to be thrown out. It’s not hard to memorise a page number if you’re caught short.

Calling the Doctor ‘Doctor Who’

The character is called the Doctor, the programme is called Doctor Who. Unless you’re referring to those films starring Peter Cushing. Or that time he was called Doctor Who in 1966’s The War Machines. And even then the Doctor’s real name is Theta Sigma. God, it’s like you haven’t wasted your life learning useless trivia.

Mixing up Marvel and DC

To you they’re just comic characters who dash around in capes and star in increasingly tedious movies. But to a nerdy partner they are bitterly opposed rivals with clear differences that set them apart. Although if you ever want to get dumped at least you’ve got an easy way out. Just say Batman is your favourite Marvel character.

Confusing them with geeks

Nerds and geeks are two completely different things, and mixing them up is a massive red flag. Geeks are a trendy appropriation of nerd culture without any of the social awkwardness, whereas nerds memorise the periodic table for fun and think pocket protectors are both practical and stylish. Oh how you wish you were dating a geek instead.

Being able to healthily express your emotions

Are you comfortable expressing how you feel both verbally and physically? If so, your nerdy partner will think about calling time on your relationship. That’s because the two of you are clearly mismatched, and even though opposites attract when it comes to magnets, the same sadly does not apply to humans. It’s one of the many ways we’re inferior to magnets.

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Six everyday situations that are surprisingly charged with class tension

WE supposedly live in a classless society. So why then does class tension come bubbling dangerously close to the surface during the most mundane events?

Supermarket deliveries

Should you feign interest in your driver’s route and working hours, or does it sound patronising? Do they want this tedious conversation about onions you’ve stumbled into, or are they just humouring the pampered homeworker? All you wanted was some bog paper and cheese delivering, not a nerve-jangling journey through a social minefield.

Seeing a certain breed of dog

A 100 per cent accurate marker of social class. Labrador: white collar professional. Alsatian: self-employed working class. Staffie: borderline underclass. Okay, it doesn’t work with all dogs, eg. dachshunds. Who buys those hairy saveloy-shaped freaks is anyone’s guess.

Getting into university

Not such a big deal these days, but it’s an achievement, and one you were quite modest about as a teenager. Then your dickhead Uncle Dave said something like: ‘Don’t suppose you’ll want to talk to us peasants anymore.’ At least he didn’t blather on about the superiority of the University of Life, where, it appears, everyone graduates with a double first in Stupidity.

Visit by a dopey tradesman

Middle class types agonise over looking down on the lower orders. All very well until someone genuinely gormless comes to fix your boiler. Then, on a freezing day, an ironic comment like ‘Think I’ll do a bit of sunbathing later!’ will be met with the frighteningly literal response, ‘No, it’s too cold, mate.’ Hopefully it’s not a big job, because the conversation won’t get better.

Accidentally slagging off someone’s choice of TV viewing

Certain TV shows are, shall we say, deliberately targeted at the ‘less sophisticated viewer’, such as Love Island or Mrs Brown’s Boys. You’ll unthinkingly slag them off, only for someone to say ‘I think it’s really good!’ You’ll then have to pathetically backtrack, eg. ‘I mean it’s very good as broad brush humour, it’s all subjective when you think about it…’ and so on, sounding totally spineless, which indeed you are.

Relatives visiting

Certain working class relatives have incredibly forthright views about any topic they refuse to research beyond reading tabloid headlines. So any family gathering becomes a game of ‘avoid the hot topic’, or you’ll be subjected to insightful arguments like ‘How can a man be a woman? A man’s not a woman, he’s a man.’ The only positive is that Uncle Dave will have gone strangely quiet about Brexit by now.