Putin's Olympics tickets on eBay

TICKETS for the London 2012 Olympics belonging to Russian president Vladimir Putin are available for purchase on eBay.

The tickets, which include access to one of the three available private booths for the women’s beach volleyball at Horse Guards Parade, are listed alongside idiosyncratic descriptions believed to be written by the Russian President.

Tickets for Olympic Men’s 100m final are described as: ‘**WOW** very rare tickets right on finishing tape to see proud sons of Russia beaten by dope smoking Jamaican who has secret way of producing clean piss Happy bidding x.’

The seller, who calls himself KGB10752, denies any connection to Putin but has a registered address in Russia and has previously sold small quantities of radioactive element polonium, the Rubens painting Venus Disarming Mars looted during the Second World War, and drilling rights to 572,000 square miles of gas-rich land in the Sakhalin Oblast.

KGB10752’s feedback is 99 per cent positive, with comments including ‘ITEM 2WKS LATE, THREATENED TO HAVE ME SHOT’ and ‘AAAAAA+++++++ seller plese dont drown my baby’.

Putin, who told world leaders at last month’s G8 summit that he was too busy playing The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim to attend, is believed to be irritated with British attitudes to human rights abuses in Russia and the cancellation of his favourite TV show Skins.

Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev will attend the Olympics instead but has been ordered to yawn and text ostentatiously during any event that the Russians are not winning.

Olympic insiders claim that the Russian President’s refusal to attend the Olympics follows attempts to register as a wild card in the weightlifting, judo and freestyle diving events, in which Putin claimed he would ‘destroy the capitalist West’s feeble competitors with one flex of my dick’.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Prometheus lauded by stoner critics

RIDLEY Scott’s sci-fi epic Prometheus is the greatest film ever made, leading pothead reviewers have claimed.

Following special stoner preview screenings, the people-in-space-suits-running-away-from-3D-things film has rocketed straight to the number one slot in respected dopehead critics’ best-of lists, ahead even of ‘anything by Pixar’ and ‘anything with Ironman in it’.

Stephen Malley, who writes rambling pothead films reviews for The Guardian and Sight & Sound, said: “There’s a massive circle thing that was in the first one, that’s like God or something, only it’s full of aliens.

“Only they’re us, probably. Makes you think, right?

“I really like it when films make you think, because then your brain and your eyes are working at the same time.

“There a lot of bits where you’re literally like shit…fuck.

“About half way through there’s a wide shot of an alien landscape and this man in the cinema said ‘awesome’ out loud, it was funny. Then I realised it was me. Hahahaha.

“Other great things in this movie include the big space doughnut, the massive head and…the big space doughnut.

“Also, the big space doughnut.”

Tom Logan, author of Cinema’s Weed Auteurs: Through a Bong Darkly said: “I can honestly say I have not enjoyed a film as much since the 19th time I saw Wonders of the Grand Canyon 3D at the Science Museum.”