Russian not sure if he'll even vote because 'they're all the bloody same'

A RUSSIAN man has admitted he does not see the point of voting in the presidential election because it never makes a difference anyway.

Ballots opened today, but Vitaly Kantorovich of Volgograd has still not decided if he will even bother because ‘no matter what you do, the same people get in’.

He continued: “I don’t want to be all ‘wake up sheeple’ but come on. Pretty clear at this point that you’re not going to get meaningful change from elections. It’s just an illusion to keep the masses happy.

“Who are even the candidates? Slutsky, Davankov, Kharitonov: they all talk a good game, but look at their policies and they’re virtually the same as the Kremlin’s. Everyone’s singing from the same hymnsheet, so why bother?

“Honestly, I wonder if democracy is worth it. We might be better off with some form of dictatorship where a strong leader’s free to make decisions, rather than chasing popularity and paying lip service to ‘the will of the people’.”

Kantorovich added: “You know what, I’ll probably vote Putin. He comes across really well on the telly.”

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Is pegging the new Netflix? Your guide to not missing out

STREAMING has revolutionised the way we watch TV, and pegging promises to do the same for our sex lives. Here’s how to get started.

Signing up

One of the great things about pegging is there’s no monthly subscription. However you will have to persuade your partner to ‘sign up’ for it, and if they find it ‘weird’ or ‘perverted’ you’ll be forced to find someone else to do it with. Maybe there’s a posh, attractive mutual friend you can ask? It’s hard to imagine that leading to any problems. 

Do your research

To decide if pegging is for you, watch the superbly-titled pegging movie Bend Over Boyfriend. Also apparently recommended is the 1976 porno The Opening of Misty Beethoven, which frankly sounds well worth a watch whether you plan to do any pegging or not.

The basic equipment

Much as Netflix comes pre-installed on most smart TVs, you’ll find you already have an anus. Now you just need a dildo of some description, of which more in a moment, and some lubricant – or ‘lube’ if you’re discussing your seedy anal proclivities with young people. You may wish to use a lubricant specifically designed for filthy sex things, or it’s the perfect opportunity to use up the can of WD-40 you bought for the shed door and only used that once.  

Choice of strap-on 

Start with a basic, small-to-medium-sized strap-on with an innocuous name such as ‘The Love Partner Unisex’. An enormous black knobbly ridged thing called the ‘Pro-Deviant Anal Intruder’ may be too terrifying and put you off before you’ve started.

IMPORTANT: For reasons of cost or kinkiness you may be tempted to use something not designed for pegging. Don’t. A Ribena bottle will do you an injury, and the staff in A&E will piss themselves if you get a 5” model Dalek stuck up there.

Away you go!

Once you’ve got your strap-on, your lube and a partner who doesn’t think you should be on the sex offenders register, you can get stuck into getting stuck into. It will feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but it should be fine apart from your partner getting the giggles.  

Troubleshooting guide

Be aware you may encounter the following pegging problems:

It won’t go in. This is usually caused by you tensing up. Visualise relaxing images such as a happy bunny rabbit scampering down a hole, not your last prostate exam or scenes from Deliverance.

You feel like a twat. Well, obviously.

Your wife or girlfriend screaming at you. This is usually caused by them not knowing you were having regular pegging sessions with another woman and you believing they’d be out all day.

Post-pegging activities

After all the excitement of pegging, you’ll want to come down gently. Fortunately there’ll be plenty of things to keep you occupied, such as your marriage being on the rocks and giving that dildo a jolly good wash.