SCOTLAND has agreed to repurpose Northern Britain as a new south for them to look down on.
Following a petition from Northerners asking to be made part of Scotland, the Scottish parliament has decided that their people need someone who they can hold in permanent contempt.
Scottish culture secretary Fiona Hyslop said: “The further north you are the harder you are, obviously.
“But now Scotland has effectively severed all connection to Shandyland, or London as I believe its inhabitants call it, we need a new baseline.
“Without the fancy, pampered residents of Manchester to shake our heads in disbelief at we’d have to use Glasgow as our starting point for soft behaviour, committing the rest of the country to unsustainable levels of alcoholism.”
Dundee resident Bill McKay said: “You should see the la-di-dah fops down there in Newcastle, drinking bottles of brown ale with their pinky fingers sticking out and wearing T-shirts when it’s only minus three out.
“Eight cans of Super and they’re on the floor.”
But Shetland Islander Mary Archer said: “I don’t know what we need them for when we’ve got the cosseted dandies of Aberdeen, with their easy jobs on the rigs and their average life expectancy of 45.”