Scots to look down on Northern Britain as effete, snobbish South

SCOTLAND has agreed to repurpose Northern Britain as a new south for them to look down on.

Following a petition from Northerners asking to be made part of Scotland, the Scottish parliament has decided that their people need someone who they can hold in permanent contempt.

Scottish culture secretary Fiona Hyslop said: “The further north you are the harder you are, obviously.

“But now Scotland has effectively severed all connection to Shandyland, or London as I believe its inhabitants call it, we need a new baseline.

“Without the fancy, pampered residents of Manchester to shake our heads in disbelief at we’d have to use Glasgow as our starting point for soft behaviour, committing the rest of the country to unsustainable levels of alcoholism.”

Dundee resident Bill McKay said: “You should see the la-di-dah fops down there in Newcastle, drinking bottles of brown ale with their pinky fingers sticking out and wearing T-shirts when it’s only minus three out.

“Eight cans of Super and they’re on the floor.”

But Shetland Islander Mary Archer said: “I don’t know what we need them for when we’ve got the cosseted dandies of Aberdeen, with their easy jobs on the rigs and their average life expectancy of 45.”

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Letters from badger king call Charles ‘father’

LETTERS from the King of the Badgers to the prime minister refer to Prince Charles as ‘daddy’. 

The Black Badger letters, so called because they were written in black ink by badgers, ask the government to reconsider any cull because “father is just in one of his moods”.

They continue: “I know that dad isn’t proud of what happened in the family sett in Gloucestershire, at a time when there were three people and an aristocratic badger in that marriage.

“Please assure him that the badger monarchy, which pre-dates the Saxe-Coburgs and still rules its people with a rod of iron we stole from a train siding, is no threat to him.”

Clarence House strongly denied that the prince has ever had close contact with woodland mammals, despite records showing that on three occasions in the late 1980s he was treated for fleas.